


After the High

by Minky-way (Cardgamesonmotorcycles)



Series: MizuSei Prompts [10]
Category: DRAMAtical Murder - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Breakup, Coffee Shops, Depression, Dogs, Domestic Disputes, Engagement, Family Member Death, Getting Back Together, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Reference to past violent domestic acts, post breakup, prompt fills
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-08
Updated: 2016-05-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 12:50:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,447
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6195775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cardgamesonmotorcycles/pseuds/Minky-way
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Breaking up or making up, either way it's best to do it together</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt- I still have your phone number memorized even though I haven’t called you since we split up and somehow I remembered it even though I’ve had like six shots of bourbon and hey, I know you’re pissed that you’re here at this dingy club at 3 in the morning to pick my drunk ass up, but you have to admit that’s pretty impressive

“Sei, I know s’early but I was… Wait, wha am I sayin’?”

“Mizuki? It’s like 3am! I didn’t even know you still had my number.”

“I c’n rmemer it,” what the fuck ‘rmemer’ was supposed to mean Sei wasn’t entirely sure, but he sighed and rolled over, still holding his phone to his ear and aware of the sounds of activity in the background of the call, distant and tinny music playing somewhere. “L’sen Sei, I’m rlly drunk right now.”

“I hadn’t guessed,” he either didn’t register, or just chose to ignore his flat statement, horribly slurred words and lack of ability to form a coherent sentence proof enough, plus, why would he ring at 3am otherwise? They weren’t, to Sei’s prior knowledge at least, in contact anymore, at all.

“No no l’sen l’sen, Sei,” the slur of his name was so ugly he held the phone away from him for a minute, grimacing and growing increasingly worried that he’d end up hearing Mizuki vomiting down the phone, he really didn’t need that right now. “I really miss you, y’know? An-And I juss wanna say that I’m real- really sorry, I wish we could’ve made it work and I… I really love you still.”

He could feel something inside him shrivel with his words, feel emotions he’d been hiding coming spilling out and his eyes were hot with tears already, not knowing what to say, just listening to him continue to ramble and not knowing what to do. Oh no, something in Mizuki’s voice had broken and it sounded like he was crying, it had always been such a painful sound and even now he felt his tortured heart aching for him because he’d thought he was over it but it seemed he was as hurt as Sei still was.

“Where are you, Mizuki?”

“At some bar, I ‘unno.”

“Find out.”

There was more background noise, voices, Mizuki asking remarkably drunkenly where he was and being answered by a mildly disgusted sounding woman, just the superiority in her voice as she addressed the bartender made Sei’s hackles rise defensively.

“S’called bar twelve.”

“Okay, that’s the new one, right? Near Koujaku’s?”

He didn’t respond, but he did a quick google search and found that it was indeed that bar, and that it was in a very busy part of town, especially on a Friday night as it was, he cursed his heart all the way down the stairs, as he grabbed his keys and left the house.

Or he did, until Mizuki spoke, voice obviously wet with tears and so small that Sei just wanted to embrace him and make things okay again, “Sei, will you come get me?”

“Yeah, yeah I’ll come get you,” he could feel his throat grow thick as his brain supplied the words he was too sober to say, that he’d always gotten him before and that he always would, just choking the tears down and instructing Mizuki to go somewhere quieter and stay on the phone.

 

* * *

 

 

He was a mess, a huge mess, there was vomit on the floor next to him and he was so close to being unconscious that at first Sei genuinely thought he’d passed out, ignoring the onlookers who looked a mixture of amused and concerned and just stepping gingerly over the puddle to shake him into wakefulness.

“Sei? What’re you doing here, we don’t… we, we broke up.”

“Yeah, I know, I’m taking you home. Can you stand up?”

“Wh- Why are you still so nice? S’not fair,” Sei tried his best to ignore him, amazed as he got to his feet, swaying only a little and more than willing to lean into his side as he slowly, so slowly, led him away from the staring eyes who must have seen the water in his own. “Sei, m’sorry.”

“It’s fine,” his voice was cold but god he felt warm for what seemed like the first time in forever, he could smell the bartender, and sure he smelt strongly of alcohol, vomit and cigarettes, but his usual scent still lingered underneath and it was like coming home. “Are you okay?”

“Feel sick, I drank too much.”

“Hm, I can tell. Why’d you get drunk?” He had the feeling he knew why, knowing from experience that whenever you got drunk to forget, all you really did was remember it more, so if his drunk thought had been Sei, it was a safe bet that he had been in his thoughts all day.

“Missed you. Us,” drunk words were sober thoughts and Sei wanted to be sick himself if only so he wouldn’t have to hear this, to hear Mizuki talking like he wanted to try again, like he felt bad for the whole thing, like he was sorry for everything that led to this moment.

“God you’re a mess.”

“But thass why you love me, right?”

His heart stilled, not sure what he wanted to say, one part of him being truthful, saying that of course he still loved him, that wouldn’t stop so easily, but the other half, the one trying to be cold and distant and to get over him wouldn’t agree, telling him to lie, because he couldn’t go through another break up like that one.

“Mm-hm, we’re nearly back, then you can go to bed, okay?”

He sounded like a child when he spoke, arm on Sei’s shoulders warm and firm, not aware of how suffocated the boy underneath it felt, how much he wanted to escape while wanting to turn into him and just hold him close and not let go this time. “I’m tired.”

“Yeah, me too,” but their words didn’t mean the same thing and he knew if Mizuki was sober he’d understand why.

 

* * *

 

 

He had no idea where he was when he woke up, he had no memory of the night before, rolling over and wondering where the fuck he was in the brief moment before he blinked and rubbed gunk out of his eyes and realised. He froze first, because he could hear movement from behind him and he recognised the wardrobe he stared at, decorated with cut out sugar skulls in pastel tones and knew who wore the sneakers messily dumped on the floor.

“What did I do?”

He must have been aware he was awake, because he didn’t jump even as he spoke, refusing to turn round because he knew what he’d see, what he’d seen for nearly two whole years before everything turned to shit and ended, Sei, curled up in the corner and reading a book. He heard him swallow thickly, eyes closed and following the movements he’d make in his head, moving the bookmark that sat between his teeth and wiping it clean on his pants, slipping it over the correct page and easing the book shut reverentially. But his next ones he wasn’t sure, couldn’t tell what expression he was pulling, whether he was annoyed and angry, or confused, or if he was biting his lip nervously, cuddled into himself small and protectively.

“You rang me, at three am, asked me to pick you up.”

“Why did you?”

“I don’t know.” His voice was truthful, he really had no idea why he’d gone at all, why he’d gotten ready to go even before he asked, why he had even stayed on the line after he realised who it was and how smashed he was. “You were really drunk, I guess, you weren’t in the nicest area.”

“You were worried about me?”

“Yeah.”

His sigh was long, realising he’d have to move at some point, because something about being in Sei’s bed, knowing he must have slept beside him again, made his chest tight and he suddenly needed to get out of there where the smell was so familiar. He eased himself up slowly because his head was pounding, noticing the sick bowl on the floor beside the bed and cringing at its neon coloured contents.

“So, spill, what did I say?”

“All sorts, that you were sorry, you missed me. That- That you love me.”

“Hm, nothing that isn’t true then.”

“Mizuki,” there was something beseeching in his voice, pleading, in obvious pain, not sure if he wanted him to stop talking about this or whether he wanted something else to happen, a second go perhaps, but the bartender just eased his legs out of bed and sat on the edge with his head in his hands, not letting him finish his thought.

“Never mind, it doesn’t matter. Am I cool to use your shower?”

“Of course,” his words weren’t disappointed, but Mizuki knew he was, there was something in his tone he couldn’t stand, something he recognised so well from the last time he’d seen him, when he’d finally moved the last of his stuff out of the apartment and left with a frosty goodbye and nothing more.

He ran a hand through his messy hair, only then observing his own dress, his jeans were fairly standard, understandably Sei had chosen not to strip him, and he was certainly glad of it now, but the shirt he recognised, eyes trailing the floor to find the white shirt he’d worn the night before. He turned then, hands playing with the edge of the red t-shirt and gazing questioningly at Sei, breath catching as he took in his puffy eyes, like he’d been crying, staring at the material but refusing to meet his eyes.

“You left it here, I meant to return it but I kept forgetting. Guess it came in handy,” Mizuki just nodded like that wasn’t a lie, like it hadn’t been six months since they’d seen each other, that Sei couldn’t have just binned it as he’d have every right to do, that he’d obviously never intended to return it. “There’s clean towels in the bathroom.”

And like that, he was dismissed, taking the sick bucket with him when he went, because really, the least he could do was try and fix this fuck up somehow, even if this was like plastering a collapsing wall.

 

* * *

 

 

He’d known to expect breakfast when he walked into the kitchen, and there it was, just the way he liked it and a black coffee sat next to it, Sei’s own berry tea steaming where he held the mug against his face, hiding it as he entered the room awkwardly and sat down.

“Thanks, Sei, you didn’t have to-“

“It’s fine,” his voice was a cold snap and Mizuki felt like it had tarnished his usual summery demeanour, but then maybe things had changed since they last saw each other, some things anyway.

He just ate silently, watching as Sei picked at his own plate absently, slices of fried mushroom being pushed around with his fork but not eaten, wanting to find something to say and coming out with the dumbest shit. “You’re still vegan then?”

“Mm,” he didn’t know what else to say, eyes flickering from the clock to him then back again, as if he felt guilty for looking, he looked so small and sad where he curled into his chair, he wasn’t smiling and cracking jokes the way he used to. This meal was sad, and even the food didn’t taste quite right, putting his cutlery down too early, Sei noticing and his eyes narrowing because he might be trying to make everything seem normal but it wasn’t.

“You not hungry?” The bacon left on his plate was proof enough of that, and Sei wondered absently if Mizuki was wondering why he had meat in his fridge in the first place, and eggs, wondering if he'd misunderstand his explanation.

“Vegetarian,” he was obviously surprised by that, eyes meeting his in genuine surprise for a moment and the faintest of smiles playing across his lips before he forgot that this was all some bizarre rehearsal for a play long since ended and it died again. “You always wanted me to try it, figured I would.”

“How long for?”

“About four months, it’s pretty easy once you get used to it.” Sei just nodded absently again and went back to staring blankly at the wall, expression not hiding his alarm as Mizuki sighed and leaned forwards in his chair, closing the space between then and reaching for his hand. “Look, Sei, can we just talk?”

He snatched it back in the most painful way possibly, letting Mizuki take it for a second and nostrils crinkling in the way he knew meant he was holding back tears, only to pull it back a second later, blinking hard, “I think you should go.”

He just sighed, because what had he been expecting after all, draining his coffee and heading to the door, hearing the pad of socked feet behind him and knowing that after the door closed, this was it, no more Sei, no more them. “I’m really sorry about all this, Sei. Thanks for looking after me, I really appreciate it. And… I’ll delete your number.”

Another lie, it seemed that was all they were good at these days, Sei nodding as if he believed him when in reality he’d made a note of the bartenders number the night before, just in case, though in case of what he didn’t know.

“It’s okay, at least you got your shirt back.”

“Yeah,” he tried to smile but it faltered and died, sunny smile just not coming and taking a second to just look at Sei, to take him in as if this would be the last time he’d see him, which well it might, he hated seeing him like this, so hurt, so small and conflicted. Hated that he was the one who’d caused this, he was the reason his eyes were puffy and he looked so exhausted, was the reason he’d seemingly lost weight and looked almost frail. “I’ll see you round?”

“Yeah.” Lie number three, and the fourth lie? Well that was that he didn’t want to look back even as he pretended just that, walking away with the sun burning into his throbbing head and his chest tight with unspoken words.

 

* * *

 

 

Two weeks later the t-shirt showed up again, neatly attached note reading thus, ‘I know you liked to sleep in this. I’m sorry. If ever you want to talk, you know where I am.’ He didn’t know if it was the gesture, or the words that spoke so much love for him even now, or the kiss that marked the end of the note that did it, but he cried like it would never end, and perhaps, deep inside it never would.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- Well this is awkward considering the last time we saw each other I was screaming at you to never talk to me again, my dog recognised you all the way across the park and literally dragged me over here because she misses you so hi

“Rei! Rei come back, Rei I swea-“ His words cut off fast as he finally took in the sight of his suddenly disobedient dog, jumping up excitedly at somebodies ankles, frowning because she knew better than to harass strangers, approaching with the intention to apologise. But his eyes met green when he was too close to hide instead and he had to walk over and pretend his heart hadn’t twisted painfully the second he saw him, had to smile awkwardly and curse his stupid dog. “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“It’s been a while, how’ve you been doing?” Such a stupid conversation starter for two people who used to be in love, who used to be closer than anybody, like greeting your brother and asking calmly how his job was going as if you didn’t know all that surface crap already.

“Good, um, yeah, good.” His answer was uncertain because that was a lie, things had not been good, he’d lost his boyfriend, his home and his source of income all in one go, he’d had to move in with his brother and his boyfriend and deal with a horribly messy breakup alone. He’d had to find a job and go out and work to get his own place and try to pretend that he thought about something, anything other than Mizuki and how much it ached to not be with him. But he wouldn’t let him know the truth even though he already must, just clearing his throat uncomfortably and enquiring back, because that was polite but detached and that’s all they were now. “How about you? I saw you extended the bar.”

“I’ve been good too. Yeah, we needed to, we weren’t big enough real-“ his words stopped as Rei all but leaped into Mizuki’s arms, trying to do exactly that and limbs flailing around in a very ungainly manner, tongue lolling out and tail wagging madly as he leaned down to say hi, spoiling her again already. “Hey girl, ah I missed you.”

“I think she missed you too, she dragged me all the way over here.”

“Dragged you?” While Sei might not be the strongest man alive, he could surely control his tiny Italian greyhound, expression just turning the tiniest bit annoyed at his words, holding eye contact for too long and olive flickering away nervously to focus on getting his face licked by Sei’s traitorous dog.

“Well, more like she ran over here and I thought I was going to lose her,” he explained, and this conversation was so nice, so calm he could almost ignore his own voice screaming through his ears all those weeks ago.

_“You fucking cheated! You slept with somebody else, **in our bed** , Mizuki! What the hell is wrong with you? No, don’t you dare say you made a mistake you knew exactly what you were doing. What’s your excuse this time? You were lonely, you missed me, you were drunk?”_

_“Sei jus-“_

_“No, Mizuki! You know, the first time I thought maybe it was a mistake, I believed that it wouldn’t happen again but I didn’t think I’d have to catch you with somebody to realise how fucking stupid I am!”_

_“Sei, babe please jus-“_

_“Don’t you **dare** call me that, ever again! In fact you know what? Just don’t speak to me, I never want to hear your voice or see your face ever again.” The wet anger hadn’t started yet, he knew it would the moment he left the apartment they had shared, now it was hard and dry and filled with rage because he’d shattered all his fragile trust and he couldn’t stand the fucking sight of him. But he’d followed him down the stairs, yelling bullshit apologies he refused to listen to, making a spectacle in the street as if he had any right to embarrass Sei more than he already had, and he felt himself crack even as he spun round to scream at Mizuki._

_“Never, **never** speak to me again! I don’t want you anywhere near me,” then he’d ran, because he didn’t know what else to do, ran all the way to his Grandma’s where he barely lived any more and cried the whole way, burst through the door in hysterical tears and collapsed onto the floor, Rei whining as she lapped at his tears ineffectually._

“Sei? I asked how Aoba was.”

He snapped back to now worryingly fast, his eyes dry and expression that feigned casual only ex-lovers could ever master, pretending he wasn’t in pain just being here and smiling as if he was just talking to an old friend. “Oh, right, yeah he’s good. Still at the junk shop, still with Noiz too, they moved in together a month or so back.”

“Ah that’s great, and I don’t have to ask how Rei is, do I? Yeah you’re a good girl,” he grinned down at her, obeying her commanding paws and scooping her into his arms easily, the way he always used to, scratching her ears and laughing as she almost licked into his mouth, grimacing away.

“Hm, she always did like you,” and just like that the tone was sad and he felt small and lost and hurt all over again, wondering if he’d ever really hated Mizuki and thinking that the answer was probably a no, he’d hated being hurt, but he knew now that if the bartender asked he’d get back with him instantly. It scared him a little.

“And I liked her too, she’s my gorgeous little lady,” he had heard the atmosphere shift, he must have done, but he tried to pretend for a minute, meeting Sei’s expression a second later and hand stilling on Rei’s side, only continuing in his petting when she began pawing at his shoulder again. He hesitated for a minute, then gathered up the excitable bundle of limbs and skinny body and handed her over to Sei, who had to fight the jealously in his chest as she whined and tried to get back to him. He sighed, glancing into the distance then he turned back and his face was so apologetic, so suddenly tired and regretful and sincere that Sei already knew what he was going to say. “You know, I’ve said it before Sei, but I am really sorry.”

He didn’t quite know what to say at first, whether to just nod and say that he knew, that he’d said it enough at the time, or whether to say the words that were on the tip of his tongue and made his mouth taste bitter and sweet at the same time. “I know, I think this time I might actually believe you.”

“Well that’s good I guess,” he shrugged, expression saying that was all he’d expected but seeming the tiniest bit surprised, eyes crinkling at the corners and not leaving Sei’s as he spoke again, voice calm and tranquil despite his words.

“Doesn’t mean I forgive you.”

He shook his head, because if Sei forgave him he had the feeling it would hurt worse somehow, he deserved to know he still hated him for this, he deserved to feel pain and regret, to wake up every day alone and know it was all his fault “I don’t want you to, I don’t deserve it. It’s my fault, I have to deal with it, I’m just sorry you had to get hurt too.”

“Yeah.” He raised his eyebrows a little, because things would have been a lot less painful if Mizuki had just admitted he wanted to fuck other people, or if he’d just broken up with him, that way Sei wouldn’t have the memory of him and somebody else together in their bed burned into his eyes.

They stood there in silence, life continuing around them, a kid screaming in excitement as it raced past followed by a harassed mother with tired eyes and a wide smile, an old couple feeding the ducks and laughing, the sun shone and birds tweeted but things suddenly seemed black and white for them. But then he spoke and it was back to that strange disposition of ex-lovers again, people wounded by each other but still clinging onto some sort of horrible, agonising attachment that made this so painful. “It was good to see you, both of you. Really good.”

“Yeah, it was,” and he felt like it was a little true, finally they were telling each other the truth, the issue was that it had come rather too late to save them, Sei still resentful and angry at the man who had wormed his way into his heart only to break it, and Mizuki not trusting himself any more.

“I-“ He began, but he didn’t know how to finish that sentence, to say sorry again, to beg for another chance on his knees, which he was certain he’d do and make a complete fool of himself in the process. Just telling a lie that came too easily instead and reminded him why this had happened in the first place. “I better go, I don’t want to be late for work.”

“Mm, I’ll tell Aoba you asked after him.”

Mizuki just nodded, wondering how that would go considering Aoba hated him even more than Sei did, if that was at all possible, giving Rei one more head rub and having to ignore her whines for him to go back, because animals were a lot easier to understand that humans. The fact she missed him was obvious, but the fact Sei did was only belied when he looked back to see him hurriedly wiping one eye as he headed off, Rei close to his side and back on her lead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dog Rei is based on [here](https://www.instagram.com/p/3ZX80Dvz07/)  
> (look how cute aaaah)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- So like I know we broke up and stuff but funny story, I haven’t told my family yet and they just assumed you’d be coming with me to (----) and I really don’t know what to tell them and I know this is really selfish but I can’t break my (insert relative’s) heart like that, she’ll probably have a heart attack and- wait, what? You’d do that for me? Holy shit I love you… wait

 

If Sei had time to list the dumbest, stupidest, most inexplicably dense things he’d ever done in his life, this phone call would definitely be one of them, just listening to the tinny ring of the other end as it’s owner refused to pick up and feeling the nervousness in his stomach grow.

But then he picked up and his warm, familiar tone was in his ears and surrounding him and it took a minute for him to remember to respond because it had been so long since he heard it and he hadn’t realised until now how much he’d missed him. But then the voice turned confused, because they might have broken up on good terms, excellent really, but it was still a breakup and they weren’t exactly speaking to each other every day.

“Hey Mizuki, um, I need to ask you a favour.”

“Sure, what do you need?” His willingness to help without question didn’t escape Sei’s notice, chewing his lip nervously because he shouldn’t still be this way, so eager to help out with anything if it was Sei who needed it.

“Okay, so basically Aoba’s arranged a surprise birthday party for Grandma in a couple of weeks but I haven’t told them we broke up yet and they assume you’re going with me, but if Grandma finds out it’ll break her heart and Aoba might have a heart attack and die or something so could you come with me maybe? Please? I know it’s a lot to ask…”

“Its fine, I’ll do it.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’ll do it, I’d do anything for you.”

His mind had conveniently blanked already so Mizuki’s last sentence didn’t really have the chance to do make it do much but flail in amazement because all his worries had been solved so easily, that, along with his newfound crushing loneliness was the reason he gave for his next statement. “You will? Oh my god you’re so amazing! I love you!”

“Mm-hm, I love you too bab-“ But Mizuki at least still had enough control to realise when something was wrong, pausing and the line going horribly dead at both ends, at least until he cleared his throat and laughed a little awkwardly. “Sorry, old habits.”

“No, it’s fine. So you’ll really come with me?”

“Of course, I wouldn’t want Tae-sans big day to be ruined. So when is it?”

All Sei could do was grin, telling Mizuki the details and the dress code, fancy but not too fancy, a nice shirt or polo would do, having to fight the urge to tell him to wear the green one that matched his eyes and had the stain on the sleeve, then he was hanging up and it was all dealt with like there’d been no issue in the first place.

 

* * *

 

 

Considering how long it had been since they’d so much as seen each other, Sei would have happily hugged him for several more minutes, but Aoba was there waiting for them to leave and get to the venue, so they kept it short. It was odd, knowing they had to keep up this act, like performing a play they knew so well they could perform it blind, as they did, falling into stride next to each other easily and Mizuki taking his hand. Aoba didn’t know a thing and it was obvious, the three of them chatting and talking as easily as they used to on the way to the venue and occasionally even Sei forgetting this was all pretend as Mizuki’s fond smile focused on him again.

 

* * *

 

 

Then they were there and presents had been given, a hand knitted scarf from Sei, the cake from Aoba, and Mizuki gifting a selection of flavoured teas in pretty tins that looked expensive and had Tae-san almost surprised. It was like Sei hadn’t realised how much he’d missed being with somebody until they were back, the hand on the small of his back as he was led to the bar, a word of warning whispered into his ear when Clear was looking for him to make him dance, he’d really missed it and it hurt a little bit to know it was fake.

But it was so damn _easy,_ he just slid right back into his role as the boyfriend, even posing for a couple of photographs with him, though he knew he’d regret them afterwards, he didn’t need more things to look at and feel lonely. Then there was Mizuki, he just behaved the way he always did, going to the buffet and returning with enough food for two, knowing Sei was too anxious to get his own and letting him eat off his plate like always, laughing as he mourned the lack of salad he’d brought. He bought all his drinks and that was just like it used to be, but now there was the concern in his mind that he’d have to offer to repay him and he didn’t know how he felt about that other than a little sick really.

 

* * *

 

 

But it ended all too soon and he felt horribly sad and small again, watching people leave and waving with a smile stuck on his face, Aoba just waving off his offers to help and saying him and Noiz could do it, telling them to get going already.

Then they were outside the venue and Mizuki was still smiling that horribly warm smile at him and he wanted to cry suddenly, “I’ll walk you back.”

“You don’t have to.”

“It’s fine, besides, looks good, right?” Oh, Sei had forgotten this was all fake again, just managing a slightly subdued nod and sighing, if only internally, as they headed out into the streets, wondering if this would only make things hurt worse when they parted again,

What was hardest was how very easy this was, how simple it was to laugh and joke with him, to talk about his bar and his team and know who everybody was and their funny quirks, to pretend he was back in that boyfriend role again, and when they reached his apartment, he didn’t want to let him go. So he didn’t.

They lingered on the edge of the lamplight, like moths too afraid to get closer because they had seen others get burned, one realising the danger even as one got closer, flirting with the warming air and grabbing his sleeve in the second before he turned to leave.

“Mizuki, come inside?”

But he’d known his answer before he even spoke it, just pausing for a second, taking in the expression in Sei’s eyes and the shadowy circles underneath the black orbs, nodding silently and trying not to let his uncertain lip chewing bother him.

 

* * *

 

 

“Want a beer?” He offered as they stepped inside and he locked the door behind them, feeling something building in his chest and not sure if he could hold it down, not even knowing what it was.

“Oh, sure,” he nodded, seeming confused that he even had beer, because he’d never used to enjoy it really, but then he returned with only one brown bottle and a glass of wine in the other hand, smiling and explaining that Noiz came over to hang out pretty often so it made sense to have some in. The conversation was still easily flowing but there was a nervousness beneath the surface neither of them could ignore, speech filtering into nothingness and sitting there in silence that was comfortable only on the surface.

Then Sei turned to him as he always had, sitting cross-legged next to him, playing with the rim of his wine glass and voice a little nostalgic, “I really missed this, just being able to hang out with you.”

“Me too, but we still could.”

The fact he’d agreed made him feel a little better, but no, he knew that wouldn’t work, he couldn’t continue on like tonight but worse, wanting the touches there but knowing they couldn’t be, to be near him but never near enough, just shaking his head and sighing. “No, we can’t, it’s all or nothing with us, Mizuki. You know that.”

He just watched him for a minute, lowering his newly drained beer to the coffee table and pausing to think, arm stretched out across the back of the couch, Sei’s head inches off resting on it so he could stroke his hair the way he always used to, shrugging as if it was simple as he spoke. “Then let’s give it our all.”

He knew he was going to kiss him even as he leaned in, and fuck him and his idiocy but he wouldn’t do a single thing to stop him, he felt like he couldn’t, weak and powerless against him and his familiar smell and that stupid fucking shirt he loved on him so much.

“This is really stupid,” he moved back first, breaking away too fast, too soon, hands back at his sides like they hadn’t just been curled up on familiar knees, and seriously how the hell had he memorised his knees?

“Maybe, maybe not,” he was shrugging again, acting like this was all normal and okay and somehow Sei felt incredibly frustrated because this wasn’t as easy as he was making it seem and he could feel himself growing almost angry.

“We didn’t work, Mizuki, that’s why we broke up.”

“We didn’t work because I didn’t try. I put the team and the bar first instead of you, I was so worried I’d lose them I didn’t even think that you might get sick of it. I ignored you, Sei, and you deserved better. I didn’t want to break up and I know you never did either,” he’d paused and now, finally, he was taking this seriously and his fingers had started playing with a lock of his hair he didn’t have the strength to remove from his grip, sensing the sadness in his eyes even as they wouldn’t meet his. “I just wanted you to be happy.”

“Right place, wrong time.”

“Exactly, so come on, don’t you want to try again? We could be amazing, Sei.”

“It can’t be like last time.” He shook his head, because no, he wouldn’t take that again, wouldn’t feel ignored and left out even though he knew it hadn’t been intentional, wouldn’t live with somebody who was never home or only see him once a week if they were lucky enough to overlap.

“It won’t be, I’ve got more days off now, I’m training up a new tattooist. I’ll actually be there when you need me to be, when you just want me to be.”

He needed to think, he felt suddenly lost, he hadn’t expected anything to come from this except more heartache and now he knew Mizuki felt the same as he had all this time, just wanted to try again, to try and make it work this time, to be better than they had been. His voice was oddly emotionless when he spoke, forehead furrowing and honestly having no idea what to do, unable to come up with an answer that satisfied both his head and heart. “I don’t know.”

“Okay, look, you don’t have to decide anything now. Just, can’t we just have tonight?” Sei knew what he meant, and he knew why he had invited him in and god he wanted to so much but he was terrified to get close and end up burned again, only just healing and almost trying to hurt himself. “If you change your mind you can just call this a drunken mistake or whatever and we’ll carry on as we were.”

“I’m not drunk.”

“Yeah, neither am I, but nobody has to know that. Nobody has to know about this.” He paused, cupping his cheek with one rough, tanned hand that he knew so well, the other coming to curl around his and he was _weak_. “Sei, _please,_ just let me kiss you.”

He gave in and it was less like snapping and more like dissolving, body rippling into fluid against the bartenders and letting himself be pulled into his lap so easily in any other situation he’d be ashamed of his desire to be so close to him. He half wanted to cry, to sob against his mouth and just be held to his chest until it didn’t hurt quite so much and he didn’t miss him anymore even though he was right there and his fingers were firm on his back. But no, he didn’t want that, he’d done enough crying alone but now the bartender was back he didn’t want to miss a single second of him, wanted to memorise the butterfly kisses he planted along his cheeks and down onto his neck. Needed to remember the way he smiled against his skin when he made those little breathy moans he knew always got him so worked up, had to remember how defenceless he always felt when those big hands surrounded his tiny waist almost completely.

Everything was moving so fast but he felt like he’d known this would happen from the moment he made the phone call, because he knew neither Aoba nor his Grandma would be too upset, he’d just wanted an excuse to see him, to try and do this. He’d wanted to let himself be walked through the apartment, shedding clothes and Mizuki’s hands all over him and picking him up, wanted to kiss down his strong neck and right across his tattoo, to plant the usual kiss onto the teardrop.

God, he’d forgotten how attentive he was, how he managed to be everywhere at once, how very big his hands were and how much he’d always liked that fact, drinking it all in now, kissing him desperately, like this was their last act together and he had to savour it. He ignored hurt feelings and misunderstandings and things that fell apart and just focused on the now, on Mizuki kissing him so softly and checking he was okay and then finally they were complete again and all he could do was gasp and pull him impossibly closer.

 

* * *

 

 

And then, as soon as it had started it was over, the heat faded and Sei half expected to feel dirty, grubby like he’d had a one night stand, but the warmth was still there, Mizuki was still there, nuzzling into his neck and murmuring his name softly like it was the only word he could remember. Sweating skin stuck together in as many places as possible, not wanting to separate now because it spoke of permanence and if anything in this world was fleeting, Sei really didn’t want this to be.

But then he sighed into his neck and it was a sad sound, pausing as if waiting for words Sei didn’t know how to say, easing himself up easily and beginning to gather clothes, his boxers from the end of the bed, a sock from over his bedside lamp.

Then again he’d reached forwards to grab him just before he could stand, still not knowing what he wanted to say but saying the only thing he could think of, the only thing he needed in that moment, he told him to stay, so he did, the word forever lingering unspoken in the air between them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- I found your box of letters underneath my bed last night and because I’m a nosy motherfucker I decided to read them and it turns out they were all addressed to me and the last one was dated the day you moved out and I’m not quite sure why I thought this would be a good idea but here I am, standing on your doorstep, wondering why the fuck we’re not together anymore

_Dear Mizuki,_ it began the same way they all did, just that, clean and obvious, written in his familiar almost immaculate handwriting, characters curved prettily in the opposite way to Mizuki’s harsh spikes.

Then followed the date, in this case _March 25 th, 2013, _the day he’d moved in with him, the letter was filled with excitement and nervousness that he could almost feel as he leafed through it, written hastily and presumably in a quick stolen moment where Mizuki was otherwise distracted.

_So today is the big day, my stuff’s been packed for way too long, I’d be embarrassed to admit how long I’ve been excited for this, even grandma has been teasing me about it, but no doubt I’ll tell you later once everything is unpacked, despite the fact I know you’ll complain and try to leave it for another day._

_I don’t know why I’m suddenly nervous, maybe because this is another big step for us to take, but then I suppose I should trust you enough to not be nervous. I don’t think it’s about trust though, I’m here a lot as it is, moving in won’t really make that much of a difference, or I hope not, I don’t really want anything to change, nothing too big anyway, we’re fine the way we are now._

_All my love, Sei xxx_

Ever the nosy motherfucker, Mizuki reached for the next letter, unfolding it and losing his worries about being invasive now, because they were addressed to him, and Sei had left them here so technically it was his fault.

_March 27 th, 2013_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_Oh god I don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get used to this but I don’t even know if I want to, seeing my things in the bathroom next to yours makes me feel all giddy and excited like a child with a crush again. But then so many things are odd now, this is my home now, hopefully forever, but it seems so foreign to me still, so odd to help myself to things even though I always used to. I’m sure if I talked to you about this you’d call me stupid and tell me I could do whatever I wanted, but I’ll keep it to myself, I don’t want to worry you._

_All my love, Sei xxx_

Okay, so far so normal, he flicked through the stack, finding one letter written on crumpled paper, words swaying on the page messily and some letters running into others, as if he’d been crying as he wrote it.

_June 12 th, 2013_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_We had a fight today. I think it was my fault but I don’t really know. I just remember I was scared, you got so angry and I’ve never seem you like that before. I’m ashamed to admit it, but for a second I thought you might hit me, even though I know you wouldn’t. Oh, I feel terrible for even writing that and I would never tell you, you don’t need that guilt._

_I’m waiting for you to come back, you stormed out somewhere, to cool your head. I hope it worked, I don’t want to keep arguing with you. It was such a stupid thing too, so pointless to yell about but I guess tensions get worse when you live together._

_I don’t know, I sort of feel like maybe we weren’t ready for this._

_All my love, Sei xxx_

_PS. I’m sorry I ever doubted you, and I’m sorry I shouted too_

Hm, he couldn’t remember that day, didn’t really recall their first fight, he hadn’t known, had never known how scared Sei actually was by it He wished he’d told him, flicking all the way though the pile, skipping over 2014 completely, he could come back to those, he wanted to see the newest ones, if three months ago could be considered new anyway.

 

_August 17 th, 2015_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_Sometimes I really hate being here._

_August 18 th, 2015_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_We weren’t ready for this, or you weren’t. I almost never see you, you’re always at work or busy. I really miss you._

_I feel like I’m losing you but I don’t know how to get you back._

_All my love, for as long as I have you, Sei xxx_

His throat was growing thicker, because he hadn’t even realised there was a problem til the month everything came to a close and they’d decided it was better to stop this whole thing before it got worse and they got even more hurt. But Sei had noticed his absences, the way he’d avoided him suddenly like an asshole because he was scared to admit how he felt, how much he really loved him and how much happier he was with him in his life. He’d felt vulnerable suddenly, to have this person know everything about him but love him anyway, so he’d thrown himself into work and his team and stupidly expected Sei to still be there waiting for him anyway.

He’d known what a stupid idea this was from the start, that all it would do was unearth feelings he’d been trying to hide, open up a still gaping wound and make him feel terrible, but he couldn’t stop reading, noticing with a queasy feeling the kisses and love stopping like they had in reality.

 

_August 25 th, 2015_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_I told you I loved you last night while we got ready for bed, I don’t know if you heard me but you didn’t answer. It hurt more than I thought it would. I don’t know how to make things right. I don’t know what I’ve done wrong._

_I’m scared, Mizuki._

_September 3 rd, 2015_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_We can’t last like this. I know we can’t but I’m so terrified to lose you. I’m trying everything, trying to be perfect but it doesn’t seem to be enough. I know you’re busy, and stressed and tired, all I want to do is help but you’re too proud to let me._

_I feel like this is everything I want but that it happened at the wrong time, maybe we should take a break for a while, give each other some space when all I want is to feel close to you again._

Oh no, he’d reached the last letter in the box, remembering absently how Sei used to kiss all the letters he sent, for good luck, wondering if he had done that with these, wondering if the love in the others would have died by the time they got to the end. Unfolding the paper with shaking hands and feeling sick as he read, throat growing painfully thick and eyes burning hot with shame and anger and so much guilt.

_December 18 th, 2015_

_Dear Mizuki,_

_I bought you Christmas presents already. I guess I’ll still give you them. You can get rid of them if you want but I really wanted you to have them._

_I think the fact that this is happening now makes everything harder. Because its Christmas, and we’re supposed to be happy but we aren’t. I’m not. I haven’t been for a long time but it’s difficult to admit that. I don’t see how we’ll be happier apart but that seems like the only option, I don’t want to be alone again. It’s been so long since I have been. I’ll miss you horribly._

_I still love you with everything I have, I really can’t believe that this is the end. I won’t believe it. I don’t even know if you’ll read this, but I want you to know that you’re everything I ever wanted, and if you just need time then I can give you that. But I can’t wait forever, I won’t._

_~~I just.~~ _ _I wanted to say that if you do read this, that it’s okay, they were for you anyway I just never wanted you to read them like this. I’d do anything for you, Mizuki, and I’ll always be here if you need me._

_You still have all my love, and I wish a little that you didn’t so this would hurt less. I’m really sorry we couldn’t make it work, I think I’ll regret that forever._

_There’s this one stupid quote I’ve always loved, but it didn’t make sense until all this happened; ‘But would you please kiss me before I go, so we won’t be lonely.’ I know you won’t though, stupid to ask really, it won’t make me any less lonely._

_Oh god and now I’m crying again, see, I’m a mess already and I haven’t even left yet. But there’s so little time left now, I want to get everything down but I don’t know what to say other than that I don’t want this, I want to stay, I want to try again, I don’t want to lose you. You made me feel like I was worth everything in the whole world. You were my world, you still are, that’s what sucks, I still love you and you still love me and this is so stupid but it’s all we can do._

_So all I can leave you with is my words and my love, I hope you won’t cry if you read this, it makes me so sad when you do. I don’t want you to be sad because of me._

_I’m so sorry, and I love you so much my chest hurts,_

_Sei, forever xxx_

He barely had time to apologise to Sei, eyes overflowing even before he reached the last lines and his face crumpled, because this was all he had left of Sei now, and his words were as old as the feelings probably were by now. But fuck this was all so stupid, Sei had never hated him, he’d been cold to protect himself from being hurt more and Mizuki had misunderstood it. Sei hadn’t left to spite him or because he didn’t love him, he’d left _because_ he loved him, and now he knew that he felt so fucking stupid for letting him.

“Ah shit,” this was an awful idea, but then Mizuki was well known for being an idiotic, impulsive moron, so he supposed it made sense that he was now running across the island at almost 3am, cheeks glittering with tears and letters clutched in his hand.

But no, he needed to do this, to see if the messily, emotionally inked words still held truth, praying that Sei’s forever was still reality, not even registering the rare person he passed, probably drunk or high at this time. His goal was Sei, even though he had no idea what to say.

 

* * *

 

 

He knocked on the door way too loud for 3am, growing impatient as he didn’t answer, but then of course he didn’t, he’d probably had a heart attack, woken from his sleep by a knock that was almost a kick. But then he heard the lock unbolting and his familiar face was poking out cautiously, eyes widening as he took him in, taking a step back unconsciously and door swinging open the rest of the way.

“Mizuki, its three am, what-?”

“I should have fought for you.”

He blinked sleep out of his eyes, adjusting his jumper so it covered his shoulder, it might be March, but it was cold out still and he hadn’t much enjoyed the transition from his warm bed to the chilly early morning air. “What?”

“I thought you hated me, when you left, I thought you didn’t love me. But I was wrong, I should have tried harder, I should have tried in general. I shouldn’t have just let you go.”

“Right.” He just blinked, sighing heavily and nodding along because he had almost no idea what Mizuki was on about or where this had come from, still half asleep and trying to ease himself into consciousness.

“I didn’t even kiss you before you left, I just left you to be lonely.”

His breath had caught and his eyes finally flickered to the letters in his fingers, messily clutched and wind blown into crumpled shapes where his grip almost tore them, “you read the letters.”

“Some of them.”

“Why?”

“I missed you, guess I wanted to torture myself a little.”

He didn’t respond to that, just jumped in with an unrelated question he wasn’t even ashamed to answer, “did you cry?”

“Yeah, who wouldn’t?”

“Hm, I really didn’t want you to…”

“You said, but, you said you’d wait, Sei. You said you’d wait for me to sort myself out, and I have. I get it now, why I acted like that, why I ignored you and acted so distant.”

“Go on then.”

“I… I guess I was scared too. I really, really liked you and I wanted things to work out but I was so terrified I’d fuck up that I didn’t even realise I _was_ fucking up. I guess I thought that if we spent too much time together that you’d get sick of me, so I ignored you instead because I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Everyone gets scared, Mizuki.”

“I know, but I never knew you were. Why didn’t you tell me how much you hated it when we fought? You never told me you didn’t want me to take the extra shift, or that you wanted to spend more time together, I thought we were okay then suddenly we weren’t. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to be clingy. Thought you’d get sick of me.”

“Never, I’d never get sick of you. God we’re both so stupid.”

“Hm, guess three months is a long time to think things over.”

“Oh shit, I haven’t even seen you in three months. How’ve you been?”

“Pretty amazing actually, I broke up with my boyfriend, lost my home then had to move back in here by myself living on next to no money because nobody wants to hire me. I had to go into hospital because I was too miserable to eat, then Aoba moved to Germany with Noiz.” He paused for a moment, tone not showing any emotion over what sounded like an unbearably horrible few months, voice only breaking as he continued, wetness of his throat overwhelming Mizuki’s horror that he hadn’t known about any of this. “Oh, and Grandma died last month.”

His face had fallen into a frown and he could feel more than show the guilt he felt, thick in his gut, because Sei shouldn’t have had to go through all that alone when he still had somebody who loved him a few minutes’ walk away.

“Sei, why didn’t you tell me?”

He just shook his head, tears falling fast now and shoulder starting to shake where he’d obviously been keeping this bottled up inside, “It’s been, so horrible. And I missed you so much but I- I couldn’t just- I mean we-“ His words dissolved into meaningless noises and he hid his face in his hands now, outright sobbing on his doorstep in his pyjamas in front of his ex who he was still hopelessly in love with and had missed so much all this time. One hand fisting into his jumper over his heart, voice horrible torn and shattered into a million mournful, lonely, scared pieces so he sounded almost like a child, “my chest still hurts.”

“Oh God, Sei I’m so sorry, please don’t cry,” he didn’t know what to do, but surely he could still hug him even now, comfort him the best he could at the moment, knowing that no amount of comfort would help him feel better when he’d been through so much horrible stuff in such a short amount of time with nobody to turn to. His fingers gripped his shirt hard when he finally embraced him and he wondered absently when he’d last had somebody to hold him like this, somebody even to talk to, just holding him firmly and trying not to let the sounds of his sobs register because he’d always hated him crying. “Shh, I’m sorry, I’m here now, you’re okay, you’re okay.”

But he wasn’t okay, and he knew even as his suggestion to go inside was followed, realising how cold his skin was where his jumper fell down, baggy over his shoulders, smaller and frailer than he remembered and flesh horribly white against his tan, scarily so.

 

* * *

 

 

“Everyone just left at once, I don’t even have any friends! They all just left me here by myself and then Grandma- She was all I had left and yo- I knew you were right there but I didn’t- I didn’t know if I could just turn up and- and cry on you or whatever.” The cup of sugary tea Mizuki had made him was mostly undrunk, not able to focus on anything now but his sadness, all pouring out now he had somebody to tell it to, somebody he hopefully still trusted, curled up almost in his lap and breath still hitching and breaking.

“I would have come to the funeral with you, if you’d asked. Nobody should ever go to a funeral alone,” he kept his voice soft and low, handing Sei a tissue when he reached for one and watching as he dabbed his eyes dry, tears still flowing but less erratically now, breathing calmed down only hitching occasionally.

“Mm,” he shook his head and for a minute Mizuki thought he was going to say that he wouldn’t have made him do that, like he would have seen it as a chore instead of something he would have done regardless of his and Sei’s lack of relationship. “Aoba and Noiz came back for it. It was _awful_.”

“Were you worried that I’d only be nice out of sympathy?”

“I didn’t want you to have to pretend to care, I thought it would be awkward. I wasn’t sure if… if we did part on good terms. I mean, I kinda thought we did but I didn’t know.”

“You didn’t know if I still loved you, you mean?”

“Basically, I thought you did, but you stopped saying it… So I didn’t know.”

“I think I just assumed you knew, I should have kept saying it, right up until the end I should have said it.” His speech was getting faster now, more certain because god he’d been stupid and had just assumed Sei knew he still felt the same, had assumed he didn’t need reassuring when he knew that Sei was exactly the type of person who got nervous over the tiniest thing and needed to know things were okay. “Every day, so you’d be certain, should have left you notes instead of just disappearing and bought you flowers when you’d had a shitty day and rubbed your gross feet even though I hate it.”

“My feet aren’t gross,” he frowned, face twisting into a pout as his mind was finally distracted from the misery he’d been existing in lately, the entire intent of Mizuki’s words, because he knew Sei’s feet weren’t gross, and while rubbing them had never been his favourite thing, he didn’t mind it because he knew it relaxed him.

“Fine, but you know what I mean. I shouldn’t have taken you for granted, and I shouldn’t have left you alone through all of this, even if I didn’t know about it, I should have been there for you.”

He paused for a moment to consider this, nodding tiredly and eyes slipping shut for a second, lips wet with tears and in a constant frown, downturned at the side and unable to perk upwards even for a second, just exhaling slowly and trying to calm himself. “You’re here now.”

“Yeah, I’m not too late, am I?”

“Oh I’m still a complete mess, don’t worry about that.” He tried to smile then and it was fleeting and sad and made guilt ring heavily in his mind because he shouldn’t be smiling when his Grandma was dead, fading fast.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“I know. I said I wouldn’t wait forever, but, I kinda feel like I would have done, if I’d had to.” He sniffed again, wiping his nose with the saturated tissue and shifting closer to Mizuki, lying his head on his shoulder and feeling so exhausted he all but flopped against him, taking in his warmth, his smell that was like home, eyes growing wet again as he thought that. “I’m sorry you came back to this mess.”

“I always did like looking after you,” he smiled, noticing Sei’s breathing grow slower and smoother, looking so exhausted and frail and sickly he felt incredibly worried, wondering if his hospital stay had really helped. “Did you eat today?”

“Mm, Aoba called and reminded me.”

So he wouldn’t have done otherwise? He didn’t know what to say, eyes scanning the small room and taking in the cluster of orange pill bottles on the kitchen counter, deciding to ask about them tomorrow, to check he was really okay after a good night’s sleep.

“Okay, you wanna go to bed?”

“Mm, I’m really tired,” his voice had grown damper again and Mizuki wondered if it was just having somebody to talk to that was allowing his emotions to show so clearly, or maybe somebody he could admit weakness to. Somebody he could cry in front of for something so tiny and know they’d understand that his tired meant more than ready for bed, it meant weary to the bone and exhausted, just needing a break.

“Okay, come on, show me the way,” he just nodded in understanding as Mizuki used a thumb to wipe the few remaining tears away, pressing a kiss to his head and standing carefully, accepting the hand he offered as Sei led them to his bedroom. It was easy, routine, to strip down to his boxers like he always used to, watching as Sei scrubbed at his face with his hands, shoving his hair off his forehead and sighing as he sank into the sheets. God it hurt deep in his chest where he’d been missing exactly this, the closeness as he lay beside him and pale, familiar arms came to wrap around him tight, burying his nose in slightly stale smelling black hair but unable to think of anything but how perfect it was. Ignoring their sadness and Sei’s grief and the pain they’d put each other through and just able to be together again, just humming quietly into his hair until his tears ceased and the rise and fall of his chest finally grew steady.

 

* * *

 

 

He spoke tentatively over breakfast, unable to look away from where his collarbones had become deep bowls, only noticing now in shocking daylight how sunken his eyes looked and how sharp his cheekbones were, cheeks hollow and flesh seemingly stretched too tight over his skull. “Do you want to stay at mine for a bit? Not like moving back in, just to stay for a bit, until things get a little better. I think it would be a good idea.”

“Mm.” He answered almost instantly, because this empty apartment had never really been his and he knew he needed to be looked after, his thoughts had been dark lately and he was so terrified he’d do something he wouldn’t be able to undo and would hurt his family more.

“Okay, you want to pack a bag then?” He knew he wouldn’t eat any more, having choked down a piece of toast and some scrambled eggs before he lowered his cutlery to just stare at his plate blankly, too depressed to eat and looking so lost that Mizuki felt sick himself. He just watched as he stood up, disappearing to his bedroom and returning ten minutes later with a gym bag, leaving it on the kitchen counter and pouring himself a glass of water, uncapping two of the orange bottles with fingers that shook and swallowing down four white tablets.

“Sei,” he paused, because they’d broken up now and maybe it would be rude to ask and just assume he’d tell him, but he needed to know what was going on so he could help, leaving his plate in the sink for now and approaching. “What are they?”

“Um, these are anti-depressants,” he handed one bottle over as if Mizuki would be able to understand the complicated medical name, sniffing and wiping his nose as he handed over the second. “Those are for anxiety, and these are sleeping tablets. I- I’ve been having nightmares, so, the doctor said it was best.”

“Mm, I- How much weight did you lose?”

He just shook his head, taking back the bottles and packing them into his bag, pouring the rest of the water down the sink and seemingly about to wash up, letting Mizuki take the plate and sponge from his hand easily and sinking into a bar stool. “I don’t know, they didn’t tell me. I just passed out one day and ended up in hospital.”

“Okay,” he didn’t know what else to say, wondering just how he’d been even trying to function like that, wondering why the hell Aoba hadn’t come back but knowing it wasn’t that easy, Noiz had to work and he wouldn’t want to be away from his husband, Sei would have lied and said things were fine, but he felt like this whole thing could have been avoided. He just sighed and washed the suds off the last plate, thinking absently that it was such an ugly pattern and Sei must hate them, drying his hands on the tea-towel. “You ready to go?”

“Yeah.”

 

* * *

 

 

He heard his coil ring but he didn’t move, he knew who it would be, the only two possibilities were Aoba and Noiz and he didn’t want to hear their concern, to have to tell them that yes he’d eaten and taken his meds, which was true, or that he felt okay today when that was a lie. But then the ringtone cut off abruptly and he pricked his ears up, hearing his brother’s voice and wanting to hide under the covers until everything shut the hell up and he would be left alone to wallow again.

But of course Mizuki had picked up and he sniffled, creeping out of bed and over to the door only a little reluctantly, cracking it open the tiniest amount so he could hear them, his brother sounding confused now as he spoke.

“Mizuki? You’re with Sei?”

“Yeah, we um, well I went to see him.”

“Oh. How come?”

“Guess I realised it was stupid of us to break up. He… How long has he been like this?”

“Um, well he’s been down since you broke up, then me and Noiz moved and things got worse, then when Grandma died he just… I mean you’ve seen him, you must know how depressed he is. Did he tell you he had to go to hospital?”

“Yeah, not in much detail, what happened?”

“He just wasn’t eating, me and Noiz didn’t realise, he seemed fine the day he saw us off, but he collapsed a couple of weeks later. He just wasn’t eating or drinking, or getting out of bed. He was only in for about a week, they- They had to tube feed him,” his voice had gotten wet and Sei felt a stab of guilt he hadn’t yet, not realising how unintentionally selfish he’d been, worrying his brother when he was too far away to help. He was chewing his lip without noticing it, skin already swollen and bright red where he constantly gnawed at it, lips splitting at the corners so it hurt to even try to smile or be happy.

Then Noiz’s voice came onto the line, soothing and a little exasperated because it sounded like Aoba had really been torturing himself about this ,“babe, come on don’t get upset, he’s okay now. Who are you talking to? I thought you were ringing him?”

“I did, he’s with Mizuki.”

“Oh.” Noiz’s surprise was somehow more blatant than Aoba’s and Sei had to admit that he was still not quite sure this was real either, “is that a good idea?”

“I’m going to look after him this time. Properly. I should have done before, but I’m going to now.” His tone was firm and Sei’s eyes were wet even before he noticed his breath had caught, because he sounded so damned certain about it and so guilty, almost losing track of the conversation, too deep in his thoughts.

“I think he just needs somebody to take care of him.”

“Well I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere. I’ll look after him, Aoba, I should have done all along.”

“Mizuki, you didn’t even know.”

“I know, I wasn’t there when I needed to be and it’s my fault he’s this upset. If we hadn’t broken up maybe none of this would have happened. I- He’s so skinny, Aoba, it’s scary. I should never have left him alone, I should have just…”

Sei frowned, because he didn’t like that, making a split second decision to emerge from the room, pretending to have just woken up and rubbing his eyes in feigned sleep, taking the coil when it was offered, Mizuki explaining it was Aoba then leaving to the kitchen to give him privacy.

“Aoba?”

“Sei! Are you okay? Mizuki said you two have made up now or something.”

“Mm, we were being stupid before. But… I dunno, I guess we might try again or something. I’m just staying at his for a bit, I’m um… Not coping very well on my own, he said he’ll look after me,” and his eyes were wet again, voice catching and a sudden, unexpected sob leaving him, Aoba’s alarm echoing down the coil not doing much to stop his tears because he’d been so lonely but now he had somebody to look out for him and somehow that hurt.

“Oh, Sei, don’t cry again,” but then the kitchen door had opened and the mugs Mizuki had been holding were rapidly abandoned in favour of sitting next to him on the sofa and pulling him into his arms, aware all Noiz and Aoba would be able to hear was the noise of fabric shifting and crying. “Aoba, I’ll check in with you later, okay?”

“Yeah, um, okay I guess. I love you, Sei.”

“Oh yeah, me too,” Noiz chipped in a second later, too rapidly as if Aoba had jabbed him harshly with that glare he always did, Sei’s tears hitching as he managed a small laugh, sniffing hard and turning to hide his face in Mizuki’s shoulder, coil resting in his lap and still connected as Aoba waited for him to say it back.

“Me three,” Mizuki’s voice was softer but he was certain Noiz and Aoba would have heard it anyway, just wiping Sei’s eyes dry with a thumb and kissing his greasy hair, thinking he needed to convince him to have a shower and change clothes soon, though eating was a priority.

“We’re right here whenever you need us, Sei, no matter what.”

It was Aoba who had spoken and Aoba who he should respond to, but he just wrapped his arms around Mizuki’s neck and breathed out an almost reassured breath into his skin, nose nuzzling behind his ear, words calm like the briefest of pauses during a hurricane, “I know, I love you.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Dear Mizuki,_

_I’m tired, and small and sad, and I didn’t want to get out of bed today. But then you kissed me hello and made me breakfast and all I could do was cry. I’m not sure why, maybe because I missed being looked after. Maybe because I just missed you, or maybe because now I have a reason to get out of bed and I don’t know to feel about that._

_You stayed with me all of today, you cancelled work and stuck by my side. You never would have done that before, no matter what. But maybe things are changing and maybe all this pain happened for a good reason, only time will tell I suppose._

_My chest hurts a little less these days, it still twinges sometimes but you’re only ever a little way away and you’re used to my strange new clinginess now. You don’t seem to mind yet but if you ever do I trust that you’ll tell me._

_We’re going to tell each other things this time._

_I’m glad you read my letters, and came for me, I really don’t know what I would have done by myself. I feel like I wouldn’t have lasted long, but then maybe that’s just me being sad and morbid again._

_I don’t know, I’m just really glad I’m back, even if it is only temporary. I heard you talking to Aoba on my coil yesterday before I came in, I know I shouldn’t have listened but I did, guess we’re both nosy. This isn’t your fault, I want you to know that, it’s enough that you’re trying to fix it._

_All my love, always, Sei xxx_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- Oh, hi, I totally didn’t expect to see you here at this one hole in the wall coffee shop literally no one in the entire world besides you knows about, what a coincidence

“Oh, Sei, I didn’t expect to see you here.”

The other just blinked at him and the second he raised an eyebrow he knew his cover was blown, just accepting the seat next to him when he removed his bag, clearly expecting him to want to linger, quietly sipping his drink and not answering for a minute. “I’m the only person you know who comes here, what do you want?”

The coldness wasn’t surprising, and neither was the clear distance he put between them despite how tiny this place was, just a row of stools against the counter and another on the opposite wall, barely room for two people to walk abreast in the space between. “Just wanted to see you. See if you’re okay.”

“Bit late now, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, I mean-“ He tried to defend himself, his slightly creepy actions now and his horrible actions then, but he realised he didn’t have a leg to stand on, he’d been an utter asshole and he had no right to be here now asking after him like he had any right to be involved in his life. “Yeah. So, are you?”

“Not really,” he shrugged as if it was no big deal, not meeting his eyes, just looking straight ahead as if they weren’t even speaking, as if he was just waiting for him to leave so he could go back to silently drinking his coffee instead. “No thanks to you.”

“Hm, I had a feeling you might not be.”

“Oh, and what gave you that idea?” His tone was so flat, so calm and without clear rage that Mizuki knew he was angry, it was simmering so far down under the surface of his words that he knew if it burst he most likely wouldn’t survive, cruel words spoken so plainly as if he’d detached himself from them. “The fact that you broke my heart and tore it into tiny pieces or the fact that my brother was so angry with you he almost broke your jaw?”

“Both.” He answered plainly too, remembering the day Aoba had showed up at his door, demanding to be let in, Sei cringing behind him and only there for his stuff, bringing his brother like a bodyguard and voices raising even as his newly titled ex-boyfriend packed up his things so fast it was like he couldn’t stand being there. Then tensions had snapped like an electric shock and it had gotten physical and all he’d been able to remember was blood thrumming red hot and angry through his veins, not even registering Sei pulling them apart until the door had slammed and they were gone, cheek blossoming with bruises and swelling as he settled into his half-empty apartment.

“You’re more observant that I remembered.”

“It’s a bit too late to be observant now.” He was trying to do the same as Sei, to ignore him even as they spoke, but he couldn’t deny that he’d gone there hoping to see him, watching him out of the corner of his eye instead and seeing him roll his eyes as if his words were so stupidly obvious he worried for his sanity in even bothering to say them. “So what are you doing here at three am?”

“I could ask you the same.” He didn’t though, just showing how little he cared about him and what he did now, about his motives, still even now not sure what his goals had ever been with him, with them, just responding with that same disinterest. “But I couldn’t sleep.”

“How come?” it was obvious each time he spoke that Sei warned nothing more than for him to just fuck off, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and running his teeth over it hard in irritation as he blatantly ignored his clear indifference towards this meeting and indeed the bartender himself.

“You know, the whole heart being ripped out thing,” he smiled as he spoke, sucking in air through his teeth as if to say wow, what a great situation, really superb, more sarcastic and biting than he’d ever been and not the person Mizuki had known, had ever wanted to know. “It’s a bit hard to sleep when you wish you were dead.”

He blinked in surprise, actually turning to Sei now and removing the illusion they were strangers sharing a quiet word at three am, regarding his calm expression that didn’t match the words he’d just spoken, frowning because that was a darker thought than he’d ever expected him to have. “You wish you were dead?”

“Hm, maybe, but then maybe I wish you were.”

“Mm, that’s fair,” he supposed it was anyway, he wasn’t entirely sure he agreed but he understood why Sei would wish that, why he would wish bad things on the bartender, just watching as he drained his mug and stood up, black coffee remaining just as dregs in the bottom of the cheap, badly stained porcelain. He stood then, wrapping his scarf around his neck and buttoning his coat, seemingly going to leave without saying anything else, lifting the strap of his bag over his shoulder and removing a pair of earphones from his pocket, fiddling with his coil for a moment before pausing.

“Can you not come here again?” He’d asked politely, but then he seemed to realise his mistake, voice hardening as he observed the tattooist, in his favourite coffee shop, in the one space he had left where he knew he’d be unbothered, invading his life again and his face was stony as he finished his sentence. “This is my place, find your own.”

“You showed me it.” And he had, they’d walked there hand in hand to Sei’s favourite coffee place where every day they roasted a different brew so you never knew what you’d get, remembered squeezing in next to strangers at the counter and Sei objecting when he paid for them both. It had felt like all he needed in the entire world had been that tiny room, thick with the smell of coffee and overwhelmingly loud with the hiss of steam and the bubble of conversation, but now it felt like a coffin, like a moment frozen in time and even the coffee tasted stale.

“And don’t I regret that. I can’t stop you coming here but don’t you dare take this from me too, don’t you dare use this to finish the little collection you built.”

“What collection?” His voice had turned colder, grown a shade louder with indignation and he tried to control himself immediately because his temper had caused the problem in the first place and getting angry now would only reinforce Sei’s right to be so icy and bitter.

“You’ve taken enough from me, okay? You’re not having this too, this is _my_ coffee shop, go to fucking Starbucks,” he was snarling, false demeanour of calm shattered like his heart had apparently been, lips pulled back and dark eyes wilder than a storm and twice as terrifying where they glared at him, so cruel and cold and changed from what he had been.

“I thought you said Starbucks is for pretentious assholes with more money than sense who think they’re cool when actually they’re just pitifully desperate wannabe losers?” He could still remember him telling him that, surprised to see him show so much dislike for the chain even as he led Mizuki past, remarking that he never went there, he liked independent places, remembered thinking how cute that was and not even able to be offended that his preferred coffee shop had just been slated so badly, and him with it, albeit indirectly.

“It is, you’ll fit in perfectly.”

“Sei!” He’d grabbed him before he considered it, taking the insult worse than he should, knowing Sei was just angry at him and probably didn’t even really mean it, was just being petty and childish to try and hurt the bartender the way he’d been hurt. But Sei’s nostrils had flared and he was shaking, not trying to remove his grip but jaw set so firmly and expression so damned stony that he almost felt nervous as he opened his mouth to speak without a single ounce of warmth or familiarity, as if they really were strangers and had never been anything else.

“Let go of me, or this time I will let Aoba break your jaw, it’d be the least you deserve.”

He just released him, because what else was he meant to do? There was no point getting into an argument, or trying to explain that the only reason he’d even been there was because he still cared, because he worried, jut sinking into his chair and ignoring the concerned stares of the tired looking barista. Sei just glaring at him for one second longer, nostrils flared with anger and chest rising and falling hard, then he turned without another word and left, Mizuki watching his progress and ending up just staring at the door as he faded from his life again, wondering how many things besides this coffee shop he’d end up losing before he finally managed to change himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- We broke up because you moved away and I just got a job at this coffee place thinking there was no way you worked here but oh look at that you do and damn you're still so hot can we just make out on the cappuccino machine please?

 

"Mr. Seregaki? This is Miho, from Grounds, I'm ringing about your job interview last week."

"Oh, yes, of course, good morning," he wasn't entirely sure what he was meant to respond to that, stumbling over his words a little and feeling sick, because he didn't hear back from many jobs, they tended to just interview him then ignore him, but the responses he had received had all been to say he hadn't got the position, and he really needed a job anywhere, in fact he was getting a little desperate.

"Well it will be a good morning, because I'm offering you the job, if you're still interested?"

He was so surprised he dropped the spoon he was holding, clattering into his metal sink loudly and only barely remembering to hold down his curse of alarm, brain lurching into action and realising that swearing down the phone to his potential new employer would not be a good idea. "Oh, yes, I'd love the job! Thank you."

"Okay that's great! Are you alright to start on Monday? I know it's soon but it takes a lot of training and stuff and we really need somebody to add to our team as soon as we can."

"Yes, that's completely fine."

"Okay, so it's a nine am start. In terms of uniform you can basically wear what you want, I'd recommend a fairly plain t-shirt and either trousers or jeans, just something comfortable you can work in."

"Could I wear a hoodie?"

"That's fine, just obviously nothing offensive or anything like that. So, is there anything else you need to know before you start?"

"I think that's it."

"Okay great, well I'll let you go, and I'll see you on Monday."

"Yes, thank you so much, I'll look forward to it."

"Alright, bye, Sei."

"Bye."

If he did a stupid victory dance the moment he hung up, nobody had to know but his cat, meowing unhappily as she was bundled up into an excited hug by her thrilled owner, because he had a job now and that meant things were starting to go right.

 

* * *

 

But he'd been wrong before. His first day hadn't been bad, sure he'd been nervous but everybody had been nice enough and the till had been easy enough to use once he'd been walked through its system a couple of times, slowing down the rush of people heading to work only a little and his manager seeming pleased as she waved him off later that day.

But then he'd gotten a phone call asking if he could do the evening shift instead, apparently it was usually very quiet and as such the ideal time to be trained up to make drinks, agreeing immediately because he didn't want to lose this job and he'd basically do whatever they wanted. It was explained to him that he'd be trained by another employee, though she didn't give his name, just saying that he was very nice and that she was sure he'd do great before the call ended.

So he'd had the next day off, getting ready in the same hoodie and jeans as the day before and making sure he looked presentable before he set off, the short walk to work managing to relax him, easing some of the nervous tension out of his bones before he pushed the door open and was greeted by the tinkle of the bell and his managers face, dressed in her coat and seemingly about to leave.

"Oh, Sei, excellent timing. I'm heading out now so it's just the two of you, should be a good night to learn to use the coffee machine and stuff. In fact let me go grab him for you before I go."

"Mm, thank you."

"Hey, pretty boy, he's here," she'd disappeared half into the kitchen, legs still poking out but head around the door, able to hear her words but not to hear who she was speaking to, hoping it wasn't the Mink who Clear had spoken of, he'd sounded intimidating and Sei didn't want to feel like that at work, especially not when he was so new. "Okay, so you can teach him how to use the coffee machine, just for the basics, or maybe some of the cold drinks, yeah? Be nice, I'm sure you'll get along and lock up as usual."

He didn't hear the response either, just fetching his apron from a hook and putting in on in preparation, Miho smiling approvingly as she headed back out, pulling on a hat as if it were colder than it was. "Have a good shift, Sei-san."

"Mm, see you tomorrow."

 

* * *

 

 

The next thing he was aware of was a loud crash, turning to face the kitchen and blood draining from his face as he took in the apron-clad figure, tanned arms still holding onto the tray of clean cutlery he'd been holding, ignoring the fact it now littered the floor at his feet and just staring, open mouthed, at Sei.

"Sei?!"

"Mizuki? Wh-What are you doing here?" He'd stepped forwards before he even realised it, heading behind the counter and almost certain he stood on a knife but not caring much, just watching as he lowered the tray onto the pick-up area.

"I moved back, I meant to tell you, but you didn't live in the same place anymore."

"Yeah, I moved after Grandma died."

"She died?"

"Yeah, like four months ago. Oh, I suppose you wouldn't know, um, yeah she died then Aoba moved to Germany with Noiz and I didn't want to live in the house by myself so I sold it and got my own place."

"Oh, right, yeah. Oh shit Sei it's been forever," they were both overwhelmed and it was obvious in their odd, choppy sentences, Sei just smiling as Mizuki's eyes settled on him for the first time in so long and he stepped forwards to hug him easily. He was right, it had been what, maybe six months now since Mizuki had moved away? He'd gotten an amazing job offer he couldn't refuse and Sei didn't have the heart to make him, they'd broken up on good terms, Sei somehow understanding that Mizuki needed to do this, needed to follow his dream for once and put himself first. But now he was back and hugging him tight he had the horrible feeling things were going to get a lot more complicated, he'd missed him and he wanted to say so, but he didn't, just stepped back and watched as Mizuki scanned him, taking him in.

"Hm, you still look the same as always."

"You too, so, what happened? I thought it was going to be a permanent thing when you moved?"

"So did I," he seemed to notice the mess he'd made then, stepping back off the spoon handle his toes rested on and kneeling down to start to collect up the utensils, Sei following along and helping to gather them up, knowing they'd need to be rewashed. "But the job fell through. The guy I was working with got into trouble with the Yakuza."

Sei looked up then, eyes crinkled with concern because the Yakuza were not people you should mess with and he hated the fact that his dream, the job he'd been so excited for, had sacrificed everything for, had gone stale so fast.

"Don't worry, I didn't get mixed up in it, I abandoned ship pretty fast, so to speak. Yeah, I don't know what happened to him but I don't think it was good, the police got involved, there were some rumours of child abuse, forced tattooing, I honestly don't want to know. So I figured I'd move back, I saved up some money while I was there and I never did sell my old place, I think I'll try to reopen the bar. I should have known it wouldn't work out, it was too good to be true."

"At least you tried, was it good when it did work?"

"Hm, I don't know, I think I missed home too much."

"Well you're back now, things can just go back to the way they were."

"Yeah, some things, but anyway, how come you're working here? I knew I had to train somebody but Miho never gave me a name."

"Oh, well I was living off the rest of the money from the house and in Grandmas will, but it was running out and nobody would give me a job so Noiz was paying for everything, I didn't like it so I just applied everywhere and finally got hired."

"Hm, it's a good place to work. I've been here a couple of months I think."

"How did I not know you were back?"

"It's probably my fault, I was keeping a low profile. I mean I left everything for this job, I closed the bar and made lots of people unemployed, I dissolved the team, I abandoned friends. I guess I was worried people would be angry."

"Do I look angry?"

"You look nervous, just thank your lucky stars it's not Mink training you."

"Is he that bad?"

"Not really, just big and gruff, he's okay though. But, training aside, I need to rewash this cutlery."

"Want me to help?"

"I'd say no, but you can't really do anything without me, so sure, you can dry."

 

* * *

 

Mizuki had ended up accompanying him home after work, agreeing to come in for a catch up but ending up staying til nearly 2am, at which point Sei announced he refused to let him walk home, setting up the couch for him, refusing to listen to his objections and bidding him goodnight instead.

He awoke to a note saying he had to open up at seven, promising to see him later and Sei was smiling the whole time he got ready, ignoring how exhausted he was, because Mizuki was back and he'd missed having a friend so much. The fact that his eyes had been tracking the way his lips formed words and the curve of his biceps when he pulled off his hoodie, he shoved into the back of his mind for now, that wasn't important yet.

 

* * *

 

"Morning, Sei, can you take over the till?"

"Mm-hm, we're busy already."

"Typical morning," he didn't have time to reply with much else, just working the coffee machine with skilled hands he was more used to see mixing alcoholic drinks, frothing milk and pouring berries into the blender, pumping syrups into tall mugs and fitting plastic tops onto cardboard cups.

"Hi, what can I get you?"

"Double espresso shot please, and this," the man held up a cookie, Sei finding it on the screen easily and reading out his total, glad for the number on the screen that told him how much change he needed, having always been horrible at maths, order going through to a small screen behind the sugar syrups where Mizuki could read it and begin preparing the order.

They continued on like that for almost an entire hour, no time to chat or really do much but work around each other, Sei manning the till and occasionally mixing a drink if they got a short space of time with no customers and Mizuki was overwhelmed. There were no spills or burns or anything Sei might have expected, and by the time everybody was gone all there was to do was to wipe the tables free of crumbs and the drinks preparation counter of syrup that had dripped, in gooey strands from the pump dispensers.

But then they were quiet and there was nothing to do at all, the sandwiches and wraps had been made by Mizuki that morning and were still well stocked in the open fronted fridges, the cakes and cookies in the display were easy enough to rearrange and refill, then all they could do was talk.

Or Mizuki could talk anyway, and Sei could stare at him and try not to let his mind wander so he could at least reply fairly coherently, failing a couple of times and blaming his stupid lack of responses on his tiredness, thinking that catching up with him til 2am might have been stupid, but this right now was even stupider. He'd forgone a jacket today in favour of a vest that did nothing but allow Sei unfettered access to ogle his toned arms all day, watching his biceps tense deliciously as he steamed milk and stared at the way his veins poked out where he leaned on the counter lazily.

Ah shit, six months apart or not, he was still really hot and all Sei wanted to do was pin him to the coffee machine and make out with him like some kind of desperate teenager, catching himself drifting off into dangerous territory and just snapping back with a laugh that came at just the right time. But then it went quiet and it was Mizuki's turn to stare, regarding him again before straightening up and remarking that they may as well eat lunch, asking absently if he was still vegan and not too surprised when he said yes.

"Hm, I'm sure we do vegan sandwiches, oh wait, here's one, grilled vegetables, vegan cheese, whatever the hell that is, and guacamole?"

"Sounds good to me."

"Sounds gross to me," Mizuki remarked, removing some all-day breakfast monstrosity with bacon, sausage and egg for himself, returning to his perch behind the counter and tucking in, pausing for a second on his way back to absently flick Sei's ponytail as he handed over his lunch. "What's with the ponytail?"

"It's for hygiene, don't laugh at me," his cheeks were a little pink, because this old bantering was what he'd missed, and he knew Mizuki wasn't mocking him even as his eyes settled on him, still obscenely fond, averting his gaze to unbox his own lunch, pretending the box was fascinating.

"I'm not, you always did look cute with your hair up."

He didn't know what to say to that, just smiling and feeling his cheeks dimple, letting the conversation die and focusing on his sandwich, it was safer than letting himself stare any longer anyway, than wondering if maybe Mizuki was thinking the same things he was.

 

* * *

 

Another day, another shift with Mizuki that made him both infinitely happy to have him back in his life and deeply depressed that he wasn't back quite the way he wanted him to be, focusing on his training instead, really committing to becoming an amazing barista like he actually cared about that.

"So, you made any new friends since I left?"

"Hm? Oh, um, no not really, I mean I couldn't find a job so I mainly stayed home and tried to sell stuff on etsy, then Noiz moved so. Just been me for a while."

"Oh," he replied so absently that Sei knew he was really wanting to answer something else, almost spilling the entire cinnamon monstrosity he'd just made onto his arm, only diverting the stream at the last minute and a little of it dribbling onto the side as he finished his thought. "So, you haven't been seeing anyone, or anything?"

He swallowed hard, trying to pretend like he wasn't stood too close to him or that he could feel his warmth seep into him through his shirt, keeping his voice steady as he carefully sprinkled the drink with chocolate, "like dating, you mean?"

"Yeah, haven't been swept of your feet by some charming gentleman?"

"No, what about you? You must have met lots of people at the new job."

"Eh, yeah I met plenty of people, didn't really like any of them though. Didn't really want to date anybody anyway, you know, felt a bit weird."

"Mm," he didn't respond in a way that showed his feelings on that comment, just pushing the drink over so Mizuki could taste it and judge how well it was done, glad he had a distraction from the sudden heaviness in his chest.

"It's good, try making the gingerbread one next. And…" He paused then, watching Sei remove the glass he needed and tracing the path of his hands as he identified the right syrup and retrieved it, looking at the recipe and grabbing milk. "We broke up on good terms, right?"

He paused then, because in his mind there'd never been any doubt that they had, but Mizuki sounded like he wasn't sure and he really didn't like that, turning to look at him with eyebrows crinkled. "Of course we did."

"So, you don't hate me for leaving?"

"No, I would have hated it more if you stayed. I knew how much you wanted the job, I'm glad you tried to make it work, even if it didn't. I feel like you would have regretted staying."

"I regret leaving."

"Just because it didn't work out doesn't mean it was a mistake, I mean you-"

"That's not why I regret it," he answered too fast, breaking up Sei's response and making his hands still on the coffee machine, suddenly deathly silent in the coffee shop without the sounds of the steamer or customers chatter.

"Then why do you?" Screw the drink, he abandoned the pretence that he was going to make it now, turning to face him with a lie on his lips and a sudden, strange fear in his chest that he knew was unfounded but couldn't help feeling.

"You're lots of things, Sei, but stupid isn't one of them, you know what I mean. Aren't you glad I'm back?"

"Of course I am, Mizuki. I just didn't really expect that you ever would be, I mean you dropped out of contact and I assumed you were doing so well that you'd forgotten about me, about all of us here. I mean that sounds bad, but I was really glad, I thought things were finally great for you and you were getting what you always wanted."

"I had that before I left."

"Oh."

"Don't you have anything else to say?"

Oh no, he could feel that horrible electric feeling building in his fingers again, tingling from head to toe with tension that he knew was about to snap, swallowing thickly and the only words he could think of popping out. "It's really not fair that you're still this hot."

Then before he could react, he'd moved forwards, fingers soft on his shirt and lips on his, ignoring the stupid apron and shoving a hand into his hair, gentle first touch turning firm fast and Mizuki was kissing back as enthusiastically. His back bumped into the cappuccino maker and he gasped, arms wrapping round him as completely as they always had and familiar, homely taste filling his mouth again, overwhelming his senses until he quite forgot where they were.

But then the sound of the bell tinkling brought them back to reality with a bump that came a little too late, detaching with clear reluctance and a voice they both recognised speaking suddenly, alarmed and confused and disbelieving all at once.

"Mizuki, Sei," He turned then, revealing Sei's face, lips feeling swollen already even though they couldn't have been kissing for more than a couple of minutes, eyes widening as he realised who it was and they jumped apart remarkably rapidly, taking in the raised eyebrow of their manager, blinking in alarm as she walked in, unwinding her scarf. "I know you said you know each other, but wow."

"Oh God, I am so sorry. Please don't fire me."

"Oh relax, Sei, there's no customers it doesn't really matter. But for God's sakes if you want to make out don't do it at work, alright kids?"

"Yep, that's good, yep. No more, mm-hm," Mizuki was clearly flustered but he was still stood close to Sei and his fingers trailed over his where they were hidden behind the counter, smiling at her next question a little warmly than he would have been before they'd kissed.

"So I assume you used to be together or something?"

"Yeah, before I moved."

"Mm, fair enough. But anyway, how's it going with the training?" They rapidly turned their minds to business, but if Mizuki's fingers lingered too long on the small of his back or if Sei sneaked another couple of kisses while they were cleaning up at the end of the night, she either didn't notice or chose not to comment.

 

* * *

 

Then they were outside in the cool evening air and she'd left them to it with a smile and a thank you to them for locking up, praising Sei on his progress and saying rather pointedly that she hoped it would continue. Sei knowing now that Mizuki lived back above his tattoo parlour and knowing his place was closer, not even embarrassed as he turned to him while he pulled on his jacket, "Mizuki, come back to mine." He'd just paused for a second then smiled and nodded, finger interlacing sometime during the walk home and as natural as breathing, Sei trying to hide his happy grin and just laughing away Mizuki's concerns about either of them getting fired for misconduct.

 

* * *

 

It was like they'd just started where they'd left off, no stupid horny stumbling through doors or tearing off clothes or anything like that, just sitting on the sofa with drinks, laughing over being caught at work and just talking. Then that fond look had been on him again and Mizuki had pulled him into a kiss, pushing him down onto the sofa and his breath tasted of beer but Sei couldn't care less.

He moved away too soon and Sei wanted to complain, but he was smiling down at him so warmly and he'd missed that gaze, just leaning into the hand on his cheek and listening intently to his words, "I know you said some things can go back to normal now I'm back. But, can't everything go back to the way it was before?"

It took him a second to register what he meant, then he was smiling back and pulling Mizuki into his neck, hugging him close and threading his fingers through his short hair, "of course it can, I'd love that."

"Hm, I love _you_."

"I love you too," and really, no amount of time apart could change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- So I know we haven’t talked in like, two years, and that things ended pretty badly between us but what the fuck do you mean you’re engaged to be married?

‘Sei changed his relationship status from in a relationship to engaged.’

Mizuki read the words, then read them again, then a third time, but no, they still said the same thing and he wasn’t sure how he felt as he read through the comments and realised this wasn’t some kind of joke. He was really engaged, his ex who he hadn’t spoken to in probably two years now was engaged to be married, and he hadn’t even known he was in a relationship, not that he had any right to know after the awful way they broke up. In fact he shouldn’t really have known, the only reason he did was because of the laptop Tio had left open on his dining table, only his nosiness and intrusive personality had led to him refreshing the page and seeing the post. He’d known that while Sei and he had fallen entirely out of contact, he’d been close with some of the members of his team and while they might not talk as such, they hadn’t had to go through the painful unfriending process on every form of social media.

“Mizuki? What’s the-“ His eyes flickered to the screen and he saw the message, pausing a laughing a little awkwardly, tilting it towards himself. “Oh, he’s engaged huh?”

“Mm, I didn’t even know he was seeing anyone.”

“Oh yeah, him and Noiz have been together for like over a year now, well over in fact.”

“Noiz? Seriously? Huh, no, I guess that makes sense. Can I, um, can I look at his Facebook?”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“Tio, it’s been two years I am very much over him, I’m just surprised.”

“Fine then, but don’t get upset or anything. You guys wouldn’t have worked.”

“Oh I know, we were very dysfunctional. Just, _Noiz_ , I mean they were always really close, hm, I guess it makes sense.”

“Yeah, they seem pretty happy.”  
“Well I’d assume so if they’re engaged.” He was flicking through his profile already, taking in the profile picture of the both of them and clicking on it to make it full screen, lip twitching into a smile as he saw where they were stood. “Oh wow, he took him to Paris? He always did want to go.”

“Mizuki, I’m going to cut you off.”

“No, Tio, seriously, I’m really happy for him, he deserved to find somebody who treated him better than me. Besides, I’m not single anymore, am I? I’m moving on, as you always say.”

“I’m not entirely sure Sly Blue is marriage material though,” he was joking but Mizuki smiled anyway because he was right, he was not at all marriage material, but despite their rather unconventional relationship, they worked well and he was actually pretty happy most of the time.

“No, but we’re good. Do… Do you think I should congratulate him?”

“That is definitely a bad idea, your laptop time is over,” he shut the screen then, nearly squashing his fingers and moving them onto other topics, but still the image on the screen stayed in his mind, as did the idea that he’d like to try and rebuild some of their bridges, at least to just be able to say he was happy for him.

 

* * *

 

 

It took three more days for him to decide to do it, opening his Facebook page and staring at the message button that glared at him as if daring him to do it, eyes flickering to the ‘add friend’ button next to it and vaguely remembering the events that had caused him to be unfriended in the first place.

But still, it was all in the past now and they were both over each other, all there was left now was a slight sort of lingering fondness, because him and Sei had been really good friends for a long time before they’d dated and nothing had changed that. He still cared about him and had often hoped things were going well for him, so learning he was with Noiz and they seemed so happy just made him pleased, knowing Sei had moved on took a weight off his shoulder, terrible as he knew that was.

But still, he clicked into the text box and entered a simple message, ‘hi.’

The message was seen as read almost instantly, presumably he’d been online, watching as those three ominous dots appeared that said he was typing, watching as they faded away, then came back only to disappear again. That happened for a good ten minutes and only after that long did he realise it was a bit creepy to be waiting for his reply when he’d have every right not to respond at all, closing his coil and distracting himself with other things.

 

* * *

 

 

Two hours later, just as he was heading to the shower from the gym, sweat drying unpleasantly on his skin and feeling pleasantly exhausted, his coil made that familiar chime that signified he’d gotten a message, sighing before heading over to it. He only registered it was from Sei when he opened the screen, blinking slightly as he regarded the simple response that had taken him two hours to compose, supposing it made sense that he wouldn’t know what to say, getting in contact after all these years and on the very day he got engaged.

‘Hey.’

He paused to consider what to write, deciding it would be better to tell the truth and just admit why he’d decided to reach out today of all days, sinking into a dining chair and wiping the worst of the sweat off his brow with the thin towel around his shoulders. ‘I know it’s odd to suddenly message you, I saw you got engaged, I just wanted to congratulate you.’

‘Oh, thank you. I didn’t think you’d know.’

‘Yeah, well Tio left his laptop open at mine and it was at the top of his feed.’

‘Ah okay that makes sense.’

He paused then, because sure he’d thanked him now and he’d done what he set out to do but somehow this felt incomplete, he wanted to see if he was happy, to check that Noiz was treating him well and that he had finally found the person who was right for him. ‘I didn’t know you and Noiz were together, I was a bit surprised.’

‘Oh, yeah, it was about three months after we broke up.’

‘Mm, and, you’re happy and everything? He’s nice?’

‘I wouldn’t have gotten engaged to him if he wasn’t.’

‘No, of course you wouldn’t. Well I’m glad, I really am, you deserve someone who treats you right.’

There was another long pause and Mizuki wondered what Sei was thinking, if he thought the bartender was being serious or not, if he wanted the conversation to end, but then he started typing again and this time he didn’t stop halfway through. ‘Thank you, Mizuki, that means a lot. So have you found somebody too?’

‘Yeah, I’m back with Sly actually. Properly, this time.’

He sent the message then paused, realising that needed some elaboration for it to not seem completely bizarre, ‘I mean he lives with me and everything, guess I finally got through to him.’

‘Wow, I didn’t expect that. But as long as it works that’s really good, I always got the feeling he wasn’t really over you.’

‘Mm, seems not. Well I just wanted to say I’m happy for you, that’s all. I’m glad things worked out.’

‘Yeah, you too, Mizuki.’

‘Tell Noiz I sent my congratulations too.’

‘Yeah, I will.’

The conversation died then but he expected it to, turning on some music and linking it into his Bluetooth speakers in the shower, heading inside to wash off before bed and hearing the front door open, then the bathroom as Sly arrived home, smiling as arms wrapped around him because things did always have a way of working themselves out.

 

* * *

 

 

A couple of months later and he’d all but forgotten about it, at least until Sly wandered into the kitchen looking sleepy and proffering an envelope with his name written in familiar, cursive handwriting, handing it over and watching him open it.

“A wedding invite? From _Sei_?? Wait, your fucking ex invited you to his wedding?” He sounded disbelieving and he guessed that made sense, because they had broken up rather messily, but this made him feel like things might be the littlest bit fixed and he wouldn’t complain about that, yellow eyes crinkling as removed the other sheet of paper with glee.

“You’re invited too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- We have a lot of mutual friends so we see each other more than two broken up people usually do and I know we’re not really close anymore but you’re wearing that stupid (adorable) hat you always wore when you were upset so tell me what’s wrong because it’s literally killing me to see you look so sad

At first it had been a little like being children in a divorced family, with their friends taking turns to invite them to gatherings, eventually falling into a worryingly familiar routine where Friday nights were Mizuki’s night to hang with them, and Saturdays were Sei’s. But of course there was bound to be a mix up sometime and he should really have expected that Koujaku would want them both there to celebrate his birthday, just sucking in the surprised breath at seeing him there and ignoring him, handing over his present instead and trying to pretend he didn’t know he was sat just one couch over.

But it had been okay, awkward sure, but they’d started a discussion and Sei had inevitably been drawn into it, Mizuki eventually addressing him to ask something and him managing to respond with only a little awkward stammering. Things after that had been better, they could function fine together in a group, and the occasional walk home together when it got late was bearable too, just waving him off now instead of accepting the old customary kiss. It only hurt his chest a little when they walked side by side and Mizuki kept his hands firmly in his pocket, but he was just glad to have not lost him, or his other friend’s altogether.

 

* * *

 

 

So tonight was just another night, going to a sort of celebration party for Noiz, or they were calling it that because he didn’t like to admit it was his birthday, he wasn’t too sure why but Aoba had told him to drop it and he’d understood his tone well enough to know it was something personal. In fact he’d bumped into Mizuki on the way and they’d ended up walking together, the other pausing to buy himself some alcohol and returning with beer for himself and a bottle of wine too, Sei’s favourite not mentioning it as he just handed it over when they arrived, explaining that Aoba had forgotten to buy it for him, thanking him and pretending he didn’t think that was a lie.

 

* * *

 

 

The celebration was okay, he’d played some Mario kart and eaten pizza before things had started getting messy, even had a little of the wine, but then things got too loud and obnoxious for him and he escaped to Noiz’s balcony with a stolen cigarette.

“Sei?”

“Oh, Mizuki,” if his tone was a little stilted it was more because he objected to being interrupted in general, not by his ex, because he still held familiar, warm feelings for him even if they were both okay with their new label of just friends. “Hi.”

“You okay? You’ve been quiet since I met you on the way here.”

“Oh, yeah I’m fine, just tired.”

“I can tell when you’re lying, you should know by now. Plus you’re wearing the dumb hat.” That made remarkably little sense out of context, or indeed in it too, but Mizuki had known Sei long enough to understand that whenever he wore the hat, it meant something was wrong.

“What does my hat have to do with anything?”

“You only ever wear it when you’re upset.”

“Oh, I guess. But it’s not dumb.”

“Okay, okay, not dumb. So what’s up?” That was a lie, because the hat was remarkably stupid, reminiscent of that awful neon green monstrosity Noiz used to wear everywhere, complete with the earflaps but knitted in chunkier wool and a little more tasteful. He’d never really understood why he wore it when he was upset, but he had the feeling it was an attempt to hide himself, so people would look at the hat and not him, or maybe something in it just comforted him, he just flicked one of the dangling pom-poms absently and regarded him. He flinched when he did it, not hard but still a conscious movement away from him, fingers tight around the neck of the wine bottle he held, no glass in his fingers and cigarette smoke filtering into the air, he only smoked when he was upset too.

“I-“ he paused, glancing out at the dark island from the rather uninspiring balcony, flicking ash down to filter onto the street several floors down, eyes glancing to his before he sighed and drank some of the wine from the bottle, the image would have been amusing if he didn’t look so small. “You can’t tell Aoba.”

“Of course not.”

He stopped again, fingers fidgeting on the bottle and taking another drag of smoke, Mizuki lighting his own next to him, knowing Sei would need an excuse for the smoke in the air were Aoba to come out to look for him. “I lost my job, a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been looking for a new one but nobodies hiring and I don’t know what to do, my rents due and I spent the last of my money on food for Rei.”

“Oh, fuck.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, taking a last drag and grinding the butt out with too much force, fingers breaking the white paper over the filter and throwing it over the balcony, bending down a little further, shoulders a bit more defeated as he upended the wine and drank a large mouthful. Mizuki watching him with concerned green eyes, knowing that if he couldn’t make rent he’d be thrown out and end up having to live with Aoba and Noiz since he basically had nowhere else to go, he might even have to give up Rei and that would kill him.

“You’ve really tried everywhere?”

“Mm-hm, all the bars, shops, restaurants, I’ve asked Haga and Yoshie, nobody wants to hire me.”

“So come work for me.”

He made a noise of disapproval in his throat and Mizuki had to remind himself not to be insulted, watching as he straightened up and his eyes flickered down to his empty fingertips, just frowning as Mizuki pressed his remaining cigarette into them but lifting it to his lips anyway. “I don’t want you to give me a job just because I’m your ex.”

That wasn’t his intention, he wasn’t doing this out of pity, “How about because you’re my friend?”

“That’s not much better, do you even need to hire somebody else?”

“Hm, I don’t really need to, but Tio’s taking a break for a few months, I need a new piercer. You could do that.”

“I’m not sure I could.”

“Fine, but consider it, okay? I bet Noiz could find you a job in a heartbeat if you told him, you don’t have to keep this to yourself, okay? You’re a good friend, Sei, and I lo-“ he caught himself then, because yes he did love Sei, the same as he loved all his friends, but it wasn’t quite right to say now, neither of them were recovered enough for it to mean nothing more. “You mean a lot to me, so ask if you need help. Do you need to me to lend you rent money?”

“No, I’ll be fine, Mizuki. Thank you, but I have to deal with this myself. I’ll work something out.” His nod was too hollow, stupid hat still prominent on his head and expression too mournful for Mizuki to feel anything but horrible for him, that he had to go through this and be so worried and stressed and sad.

“Okay, if you’re sure, but the offer still stands, the job and the money.”

“Okay, thanks, Mizuki, really. You’re the best.”

“I certainly am, now let’s go get back inside before Aoba comes looking for you.”

He nodded and they went back in just in time to see Koujaku and Noiz in the middle of a drinking contest they both knew wouldn’t end well, Sei returning with a washing up bowl just in time for the hairdresser to throw up and own issues pressed to the back of his mind for the rest of the evening.

 

* * *

 

 

“Noiz, I feel really bad asking, but, do you think I could lend some money? Just for a little while? Things have gotten a bit tight and I’m behind on rent.” He hated even having to ask, even though he knew for sure it would neither really affect nor bother the German, still trying to make it sound as casual a request as he could because he didn’t want him prying.

“Yeah sure, how much you need?” He didn’t even hesitate, didn’t look away from the screen or bat an eyelid and Sei was grateful for his lack of concern, still not wanting to admit his worrying situation to anybody else, out of shame and the guilt at the help they’d undoubtedly offer him.

“Um, ¥77,500?”

“Sure, I’ll transfer it over now. Rei get sick or something?”

“Huh?” He paused confused, then realised that Noiz had just given him the perfect excuse for his hardship, Italian greyhounds were prone to medical issues and vets bills were easily expensive enough to make him lose a whole month’s rent, just nodding and trying to look concerned for her as if it were true. “Yeah, she’s okay now though, I didn’t really have enough savings to manage it though.”

“That sucks,” he fiddles about with his coil for a moment then Sei’s pinged, frowning as he regarded the screen and noticed Noiz had sent more than he asked for, not by a lot, but enough that he felt even worse about having to ask in the first place. “Glad she’s better though.”

“Me too, but this is too much.”

“Don’t worry about it, just buy her something nice,” the way Noiz showed affection was still strange to Sei, who’d never had enough money to throw around, but he understood the German was concerned about him in his own, unobtrusive way. “I’d say don’t worry about paying me back but I know you’ll insist, just don’t rush.”

“Mm, thank you, Noiz.”

“Sure. You want pizza?” And like that, it was all over and Sei had nothing to worry about to begin with, smiling softly and nodding as Noiz grabbed the menus, staring at the money received notice on his coil and feeling more relieved than he had in days now.

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t ring til the next day when Rei woke him by curling up almost on his face, leaning down to stroke her with an apologetic smile, feeling bad about using her as an excuse for his need of money, easing himself out of bed glancing at the clock before he dialled his coil, waiting for the line to connect.

“Good morning, Nakamo-san, it’s Sei.”

“Oh, good morning, Sei-san.”

“I’d like to pay my rent? I’m really sorry it’s so late, it won’t happen again.”

“Mm, it’s nothing to worry about. But it’s already been paid for the next two months, a young man rang a couple of days ago.”

“Oh, really?” His voice was confused, because Mizuki was the only one who knew, and Noiz had already given him money, so there was only one solution and he wanted to make sure he was right before he did something dumb, like thanked him for something he hadn’t done. “Did he leave a name?”

“Afraid not, was he a friend of yours?”

“Yes, I think he must have been. I-I should thank him.”

“Mm, do that, and if you ever need to pay late it’s no problem, Sei-san, you’re an excellent tenant.” Another thing he should have known not to worry about, because he’d always paid his rent on time before, even in advance sometimes, and he’d always fixed his own maintenance issues, he should have known a couple of weeks wouldn’t make any difference.

“Thank you, Nakamo-san, I’m sorry for bothering you.”

“Mm-mm, enjoy your day, Sei-san.”

“You too, goodbye.”

 

* * *

 

 

He didn’t quite know what to do, because he’d already turned up at Mizuki’s bar the day before and admitted, grudgingly and with a lot of shame in his voice, that he’d accept his offer of a job, too busy being welcomed back by Tio who had apparently missed him and starting to train to register Mizuki’s strange state. Entering with his hat still firmly on and having pulled it off by the time he was learning to pierce navels, smiling for the first time in a while and glad to have something to do as he was to be getting wages again, even if it was weird to be paid them by his ex.

But now it made sense that Mizuki’s tone had seemed a little secretive, because he’d paid his rent behind his back, and for two months no less, Sei owed him, that was for sure, and working together might just be a terrible idea, but then only time could tell and maybe it would work out for the best.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- Look I know we agreed to be friends and everything but that’s what everyone says when they break up, I can’t take you asking me for advice on how to ask out this new person you’re interested in, okay? It’s killing me

“You know, considering this is your party you’re being pretty boring.”

“Hm? Oh, sorry, what’s up?” He put his phone down then, though the screen lit up a second later and he unlocked it immediately, tone petering off as he swiped across the screen lazily, stopping every now and again to look thoughtful.

“What are you even doing?”

“He’s on Grindr,” Noiz remarked calmly, peering over his shoulder as he swiped left on the screen, watching Koujaku’s grin widen teasingly. “And he’s swiping left to everyone.”

“I’m picky.”

“That’s debatable,” Noiz muttered, and from beside him Sei tensed up, wanting to ask what he meant by that but deciding it was better not to, he didn’t want to remind everybody that he and Mizuki had ever been together, even though it had been remarkably recently and the breakup had been fairly amicable.

“So, you’re that desperate huh?” Koujaku was teasing, and they all knew that, but Mizuki looked a little upset at having been discovered, glancing over to find Sei ignoring him stubbornly and sipping his drink instead, not sure how he felt that Mizuki already seemed to be moving on while he was stuck in the same place.

“No, I just thought it was worth a look. I can’t just grab my customers like you do, hairdresser.” Thankfully for Sei’s slightly shaken nerves, the conversation rapidly deteriorated into jabs at each other’s masculinities, and taunts about how many women Koujaku had slept with, Noiz interspersing remarks about the hairdresser’s questionable sexuality all the while. So it was all forgotten about, for a little while at least.

 

* * *

 

 

“What are you doing?” His cigarette was lit in his fingers but he’d only taken about two drags since he’d come outside to meet him on the balcony and it was burning down in the wind, wasteful at best and definitely unusual.

“Hm? Oh, sorry, I’m just talking to some guy I met on Grindr. He seems nice.”

“Oh. Can I see?” His voice was small and acidic jealously was pooling under his tongue, words flattened down and eyes cold as he took the coil and regarded the man on the screen, so tempted to flick over to their chats but knowing he owed Mizuki his privacy at least. Stormy eyes met his, almost grey and steely, a little hard, skin just a little lighter than the bartenders own and muscled yet not too built, nothing like Sei at all, golden brown hair cropped close to his head and jaw chiselled and masculine. “Hm, he’s attractive.”

“You think?” Sei just managed the fakest, thinnest smile, glad when Mizuki’s eyes returned to the coil screen and he could let out the painful breath that had been building in his lungs, throat thick and chest starting to ache. “Yeah I guess so. I’ve kinda run out of things to say though, like what would you say?”

“Hm, have you asked about his hobbies or what he does for a job?” Nothing too deep or intrusive, nothing that suggested he might be interested in anything but a very base level, being selfish even now as he tried to help and his body screamed at him not to.

“Mm-hm.”

“Pets then? Or family? Where he lives? I don’t know, why don’t you google it?”

“That’s a good idea, thanks, Sei.” Whether he meant the google suggestion, or one of the others he didn’t know, just stubbing out his cigarette that wasn’t quite done yet and miming a shiver, telling him he was heading back in and pretending not to be hurt when he barely received a mumble of acknowledgement, missing the days where Mizuki would hand over his jacket or hug him close instead.

 

* * *

 

 

“Talking to that guy again?” He hadn’t asked for a name, that would make him seem too real instead of just somebody who existed in text format and a couple of photographs only, he didn’t want to have a name to curse, to see as competition when he had no right to see it as that anymore.

“Yeah, he’s got work in like ten minutes though so then I’ll be all yours,” Sei didn’t even smile at that but he never noticed these days, too immersed in his coil screen to notice, smiling absently at the screen as Sei blinked back moisture he refused to acknowledge. In fact Sei barely wanted to even be there, having agreed to it because Noiz was meant to be going too, only finding out when he arrived that he was sick and couldn’t, feeling a little pleased at first as Mizuki remarked with a grin that the two of them hadn’t hung out in a while. Felt like maybe it would be nice to see him one on one instead of with the whole gang for once, but then his coil had buzzed only halfway into the first movie and his response had trailed off, buried in the device for the remainder of the film and the start of the next.

Sei didn’t feel he was an angry person, and he hadn’t thought Mizuki was an insensitive one, but he was beginning to debate both as somebody screamed onscreen, loudly, and the bartender didn’t even blink, wondering if he should just go home.

But then Mizuki spoke, voice absent and utterly devoid of consideration, words registering and landing heavily in his brain in the spilt second before he snapped and was yelling, not remembering feeling like this since they broke up and hating that. “Hey, Sei. He told me he’s scared of dogs, I don’t know what to reply.”

“I don’t know what you should reply, Mizuki! How am I meant to tell you when I don’t even like you talking to him?”

He paused then, looked up from the screen even as the familiar ping of a new message sounded, coil lowered to his side and green eyes finally on Sei who was so ashamed to admit he’d missed them, had hated to see them cast elsewhere. Then his expression went from shocked to confused, frowning as he regarded Sei’s tense posture and the unnatural way he had been sitting, wondering if he’d been like that all night. “Wait, why don’t you like it?”

“Because you’re not meant to be over me yet! You’re not meant to like other people you’re meant to like me!”

“Sei, we broke up.” He wasn’t being mean, and he kind of hated that more, because he’d shouted and been unreasonable and he knew that but Mizuki repeating that knowledge felt a little cloying and he felt the unbearable wave of condescension wash over him even as he knew it had not been intended that way.

“I know! I know that, Mizuki, but can’t you just ask somebody else?” His anger had broken and his voice cracked, but his eyes were dry and that was a small blessing at least, tone turning soft and hurt, eyes darting away because he was ashamed as his voice quietened suddenly, wavering a little as it filtered out. “I can’t stand to hear you talking about him, okay?”

“I- I’m sorry, I didn’t realise. I’ll stop talking to him if you want?”

“That’s not what I meant,” more snapping, more unreasonable, cat-like rage, striking out suddenly and without warning, words like claws as he stood with his jacket in one hand, speaking with his whole body as his arms gestured angrily. “God, you just don’t get it! I’m going home.”

“Sei, listen wait I- Sei, please!” But he was already gone, door slamming behind him and coil left lying on the sofa arm where he’d forgotten it, Mizuki staring for only a second before picking it up to unlock it, breath freezing for a second as he saw the wallpaper. A picture of the two of them, before they dated admittedly but looking like they were, Mizuki sat on a stone wall, legs dangling over the edge and Sei draped over him from behind, throwing up a peace sign and wide grins on both their faces. The day they’d all gone to the beach and Sei had gotten horribly burned, the day he’d taught him to swim and first realised he’d quite like to kiss him, though he’d never told him that even when they did get together. He just locked it again, feeling bad for snooping, tucking it into his pocket and knowing that when Sei came back to get it as he surely must, they’d need to talk.

 

* * *

 

 

“I left my coil.”

“I know, it’s in my room, come in.”

“I’m fine here,” he lingered on the doorway of the place he had once almost called home, eyes finding memories everywhere but the strongest not one he’d like to recall, of his unreasonable words and badly directed anger, at his jealously and spite and childish bitterness. Noticing Mizuki’s slow nod as he just sighed, shoulders a little sagged and looking tired, heading through the living room to his bedroom, to the bed Sei had once shared more often than not, returning quickly but not handing it over, playing with it absently in his fingers instead.

“I want to talk to you.”

“What about?”

“Grindr guy,” still no names, and if Sei thought about it harder he would realise how odd that was, but even him being mentioned made anger rise in his bones and he had to take a deep breath to calm himself, coming out more sad than he intended.

“I- I’m sorry I snapped? Okay? You can talk to whoever you want,” his words were genuine, or half genuine anyway, because he was sorry, but he’d still rather Mizuki waited a while longer to start looking for somebody to replace him with, it was insulting as well as upsetting and he wasn’t ready for it yet.

“I… I don’t actually like him. Well, he’s nice and all but, I don’t like him like that.” He paused then, handing over the coil now he knew he had Sei’s attention, dark eyes narrowed in befuddlement and brow creasing a little as realisation, understanding, set in. “I thought it would be easier for both of us if you thought I was moving on, guess it’s not that easy, huh?”

“You, wait, so you don’t..?” He didn’t finish the question and Mizuki shrugged as he replied, shifting his weight on his feet and looking a little sheepish, scratching at one of his elbows absently, arm crossed over his chest defensively.

“He’s okay, nothing special though.”

He thought he liked that, the implication that he was special and this random man wasn’t, that Mizuki was looking for somebody who had his qualities, who was as different and unique as him, but right now he was confused and upset that Mizuki had pretended. “Oh. So, you… I don’t get it, why would you pretend?”

“I thought it would make it easier for us to be friends, if I was moving on then you could too. I don’t like how awkward we are, the only reason I was even talking to him today is so I wouldn’t think about how weird it is for you to sit so far away from me, how weird it is without one of the others as a buffer.”

Sei paused to consider this, thinking a little queasily that Mizuki had been thinking the exact same things he had, had sort of done this to help him, out of consideration for his feelings, had just been trying to fix things this whole time. Sighing and urge to flee draining, almost wanting to suggest they try again but knowing it was too soon, Mizuki needed to decide what he felt was more important, Sei or his job, and Sei needed to step back and let him do that.

“Maybe we shouldn’t be friends.” He hadn’t intended to say it, but there it was, filtering out before he had chance to realise how bad it sounded and how much he really didn’t want that to happen, Mizuki’s reaction proof enough his feelings were mirrored by the man opposite him.

“No! Sei, I don’t want that, I don’t want to lose you completely.”

“I don’t want that either, so maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while. Get some space, then see how things work out,” he hadn’t meant it to sound the way it had, like there was a chance they’d get back together even though they both knew there was, had almost said as much when they broke it off, but Mizuki looked hopeful and his small smile was fond.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Just a couple months, I mean, you know I’m always there if you need me. But…”

He finished his sentence for him, understanding his thoughts when even he didn’t as he always had, knowing what he needed to say, what he needed to understand without having to be told, “we need to work stuff out.”

“Mm, for a little while.”

“Okay, yeah, that’s a really good idea.” He sounded a tiny bit reluctant, unwilling to admit that it made sense and that he knew it would help, not happy at the idea of being out of contact with Sei for so long. “You can always come to me too, if you need anything.”

“Yeah I know.” He didn’t know what else to say, what could he say? Wanting a goodbye hug was stupid and selfish and a thought he refused to voice, knowing that after this he might not see him for weeks and trying to take it all in, thoughts dying as Mizuki took the lead and helped him reign himself in.

“Okay, look after yourself.”

“You too,” his throat was thick and his eyes were burning when he turned to walk away, because somehow this felt like another breakup, like they’d somehow just broken off their friendship even though he knew they hadn’t. Even though this had been his idea and was what they needed so badly, he’d miss him like hell, he only hoped when they next met they would know what they wanted, or Mizuki would anyway, because it was obvious what Sei wanted with every step he walked in the opposite direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompt- I still have your brother’s scarf and I know it’s stupid but I’ve been hoping maybe one day you’ll come by and pick it up so we’ll be forced to talk again because I haven’t seen you in months and I’m maybe kinda sorta still in love with you

What was stupid was that he still saw Aoba, they still hung out and in fact he’d been at his apartment only a couple of days earlier, he could easily have handed over the scarf he’d been clinging onto for so long, but he hadn’t and he couldn’t. He’d probably forgotten about it, both the brothers probably had, so the faint, naive idea in the back of his head that Sei might come for it was more than just foolish, it was idiotic, inconceivable and so damn pathetic he couldn’t stand it.

But there in his drawer it stayed, curled up neatly next to the few things he’d left when they’d broken up, his allocated drawers not properly emptied for a reason he didn’t like to think on, a shirt with a pinkish faded stain on the sleeve, the bracelet he’d bought him and he used to wear everywhere, and the stupid vegetable peeler he always insisted on bringing because he would not peel anything with a knife.

How long it had been he wasn’t sure, months for definite, he hadn’t even seen Sei since and according to Aoba and Noiz’s rushed, hurried conversation once when they thought he was gone, apparently he hadn’t been leaving the house much, staying reclusive in his new apartment and only leaving for groceries. He knew it was his fault, for being so angry and snapping so suddenly, for doing something horrible to him and for not being able to apologise well enough afterwards. In fact inside he was glad Sei had left, because apologies or not, he wouldn’t let him stick around while he spiralled into terrible habits like that, creeping feeling in his gut reminding him of how easy it would have been every time he thought on it too long.

Tio and Sei alone knew the truth, and the other bartender only knew because he’d been in the bar the day it had happened, had known they were shouting and heard the sudden silence, caught him as he tried to leave half an hour later.

He’d stayed to listen to some apologies, to let Mizuki clean him up and cry and say sorry over and over, but then he’d stood on shaky feet and said that he wanted to go home, and it was so understandable and so small that Mizuki had just let him walk past. So Tio had seen first, known what had happened and had stared for a second with lips parted in surprise and eyebrows crinkled in horrified disbelief, had led him to the backroom and let him cry on his shoulder and had held him, tried to comfort him and shushed him when he got too loud and his breath hitched painfully.

So it was stupid, so stupid to think he’d come back now when the last time he’d seen him had been only two weeks after, when he’d arrived at the apartment with Aoba in tow and his face all but healed, explained he’d come for his stuff. He hadn’t given a reason why but Mizuki knew, understood all too well and hated himself a little more when Sei kissed him goodbye and stepped away with hot tears blurring his vision, grabbing his brother and leaving too quickly, leaving things behind.

So the apartment had gotten empty and quiet and sad, and Mizuki had locked himself in for a while, only speaking to Tio, who knew, who understood and who seemed sympathetic, who wondered silently to himself if they should have tried to fix things. But then what Sei had done had been so incredibly hard, so difficult that he wondered if maybe he knew something he didn’t, if he had the feeling this wouldn’t be a one off and would become a habit. So he was there for Mizuki through it all, watched him hate himself and miss Sei and pretend he hadn’t been crying even when his eyes were red and puffy and his cheeks were streaked with sticky tracks.

 

More than anything he wished he’d had the chance to apologise properly, not just in the heat of the moment that should never have happened, but he understood and he hated it, because it would be better to have some anger, to have some kind of animosity towards him. But no, he knew he’d needed to get himself out of that situation, out of their increasingly volatile relationship before something worse happened or he got so used to it he didn’t want to leave. But he was still filled with anger every day and he knew even if Sei did come back he wouldn’t want to put him through that, wouldn’t trust himself around him just in case.

He’s never not trusted himself before, but now every time the anger grew too much and he smashed something or screamed out his rage to a punching bag he wondered how different it would be if Sei was there, if he would be the target, if he’d be the one his fists flew towards and it made him feel sick.

He hated himself a lot but most of all he hated that he still loved Sei, and that he knew he loved him too, Aoba had said as much to Koujaku, and really he was awful at having private conversations, he felt like Sei shouldn’t feel that way and that he didn’t deserve to. But if he didn’t love Sei, or if Sei didn’t love him, he wouldn’t still be clinging onto hope like this, holding the scarf in his fingers so tight the thick wool parted and squashed out of shape under his grasp, wishing he’d turn up for it even though he wouldn’t and Aoba could easily ask for it himself.

But then maybe Sei had forgotten about the scarf like he had their relationship, had buried it in the past with the memory of green eyes and warm arms that had become marred and stained with angry words and accidental acts of violence. If he’d just hit the wall instead, punched the plasterboard a few inches from his head, this wouldn’t have happened, he would have apologised for scaring him and within a week or two they would be back to normal. But no, his arm had moved before he registered it and he’d hit him, more of a slap than anything else but enough to bruise and draw blood from his lip where a white tooth nicked it, he could still remember the look in his eyes afterwards and it made him shrivel up with shame and disgust at himself.

But he still had the scarf, and he still had idiotic, naive hope, and his ever burning love for Sei, and he supposed that maybe with space he’d come back, but then maybe not, he’d keep the scarf just in case. There was still the slightest chance they could work things out, and until then, he’d hold on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr @ [minky-way](http://minky-way.tumblr.com)


End file.
